


The Long Fall: Part 2

by eccorando



Series: The Long Fall [2]
Category: Night In The Woods (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Dissociation, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Part 2 The Series Sequel: Sequel of the Series, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2020-10-29 19:40:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20801876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eccorando/pseuds/eccorando
Summary: Another dissociative episode, another scar Mae is forced to bare upon for all the world to see. She’s trying to continue her life, but she slowly finds that she can’t let herself. She’ll never let herself. It seems as if nothing can ever get better for her.***Finished!Please be sure to check out the first story.Found this band back in 2011 and it reminds me so much about NITW. They're called Young the Giant. Especially the one called 'Cough Syrup'. Insane band; exactly how I expect Gregg's band to sound.https://www.youtube.com/playlistlist=PLPaztBWnatcj6AZh4l26LU0ugsCcctl3J-EcR-





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclamer: I do not, in any form of comprehension, fully understand the mental health issues any of these characters may have, henceforth, I give my apologies to anyone who may have been offended and/or saddened by any type of failure to accurately recreate these issues.
> 
> Also the contents of this fanfic is not for everyone. If you do suffer from depression of thoughts of self-harm, then please seek attention and help through the various resources available, such as suicide prevention lines. Please take care of yourselves.
> 
> -EcR-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 11th November 2017

_Fists clenched around the heavy weight in her paws dragging her arms down, skin stretching and, no doubt, pale with pain. It was familiar. The weight felt uncomfortably familiar. Lifting this force up to her emotionless face, she discovered it to be the one thing she couldn't break free from.  
_

_That which defines her. As if she had never dropped it. Melded into her paw._

_The world was black, full of nothingness, air cold and barren as if she was floating in the depths of space. She tried to pry her feeble paws off the damned wooden object, but no such thing would come to realisation. _

_She was frozen. Ice cold and stiff, trying hard to ignite some sort of will and let go. She whimpered in her efforts as fear began to envelope her senses once again, ripping the muscles in her paws in failed attempts over and over again, unwilling to let go. As she found herself continuously trying to resist, the black void began to move. Slowly and silently, it seeped outwards in every direction, underneath the folds of her mind. She felt a small tug encompass her whole body, pulling her deeper._

_In an instant, the pull became_ _vigorous, rushing her through the vast nothingness, faster and faster and faster. The sound of wind violently whooshed by her ears. Her body went limp as she flopped under the intense speed, her form painlessly dissolving into the emptiness. _

_She heard screaming. Screaming of frightened kids. The mumbles of a crowd. The voices of people begging for someone to stop. The feeling of being restrained._

_The world materialised in a snap. Lush green grass spreading wide, the rustic musk of dirt, the evening sun glowing above her. She looked around. She had this sensation that she wasn’t there but she could see everything. She was in a small stadium (if it could be called that); it was more school-sized. _

_Perfect for softball. _

_Her vision panned across the landscape, building it as she went. People formed in the dugouts, players massed onto the pitch and the lacklustre stands rallied in their own numbers. _

_Everything was still. The weight dragging her arms down disappeared. There was something below her. It was cowering, all curled up, and hiding it's face to defend itself in the most undignified way. It was pitiful. But not as undignified as the thing lashing out onto it._

_Something began to pull her again, closer to that thing inflicting damage. It seemed as if she had completely passed through it. _

_But the weight was back in her paw._

_She noticed that she was a real, living, body again; after she brought the bat up again. Her eyes focused on the trembling figure underneath her. She thought she recognised it. The face that she couldn't forget. Yet, there was something particular about this face. This face shifted and blurred on trying to decide on it's final appearance._

_And it did. _

_And it broke her. _

_The figure transformed. A teal crocodile got up on all fours and peered up at her, pleading for any scrap of mercy with tears, blood, dread and agony laced across her face. The face she swore to never hurt. _

_"Please..."_

_There wasn't a fragment of remorse in her. She couldn't care less about the terror in those eyes. She couldn't feel anything. She wasn't herself. The bat was raised high above her head. _

_"_ _Mae, I'm begging you, please!"_

_Everything slowed, like moving through syrup. It didn't phase her in the slightest. She brought the bat down with all of her might, trying to break through the resistance of the world as it gradually reached the head of the teal crocodile; who's eyes were now slammed shut; only able to wait for the inevitable. And just as the bat was about to smash through - _

_***_

"No!"

The loud thumping of her heart forced her eyes to open in a frenzied panic, her breathing frantic, heavy and interrupted with her screams. Her mind was racing and filled with only one objective: _Get the hell away from Bea, you psycho! _

She scurried out from their leg-entanglement and threw the sheets off herself, scrambling out the bed over Bea, falling head first into the floor with a grunt, in a desperate attempt to keep the crocodile at a safe distance. Everything in her scrunched up as she felt the unyielding urge to just get away.

Her erratic behaviour showed no signs of stopping as she locked her sight on Bea, who was beginning to stir at the commotion the dark cat has caused. But all Mae could see was the lifeless corpse of the person she cared most about and it was ripping her apart, "No! No! I didn't mean- I didn't want- I-I-I don't know!" Regret and shame poured out of Mae's mouth as she crawled backwards until she held herself up against the bathroom door. Bea finally became alarmed to the noise and shot awake, realising Mae wasn't beside her without having to think.

"Mae?"

Bea turned around on her side to see Mae hysterically wrestling with the bathroom door, cursing under her breath as she repeatedly failed to open it. Bea instantly assumed the worst: That Mae was gunning for the cough medicine again.

"Mae! What're you doing?"

As quickly as the dark cat, Bea flew out the sheets and reached out for Mae, tearing her off the knob and wrapping the struggling cat underneath her arms, cooing softly in order to coax Mae into calmness.

"C'mon, Mae, c'mon. You're okay, shhhh."

Although she was still thrashing her legs out, Mae began to feel the effects of Bea's presence straight away as her mind cleared up and refreshed itself, trying to come back to a normal level of reality. "Just breath, Mae. Breath. In and Out." Bea began to quietly instruct Mae, giving her some sense of security as she obliged and proceeded to slow her breathing and relax her lungs. God, why was she so good with Mae? Why does she have to depend on Bea to be normal? Bea didn't deserve this useless burden to be put on her. Jesus, she felt like such a piece of shit. This feeling of anxiety was quickly replaced by that recognisable relentless guilt flowing through her.

Nevertheless, Mae became still, staring off into the distance without thought as Bea gradually let the force of her grip loosen on the cat, hoping that she was indeed calm, before carefully spinning her around to look her in the eye.

"What happened?”

Bea gently stroked the side of her muzzle, comforting Mae further as she closed her eyelids in response.

"I ... don't know. I ... just- I need to wash up."

Bea gave an unsteady sigh of relief and briefly shut her eyes, absolutely knowing there was more to her story.

"Is that okay?"

Mae sounded so unsure of herself, like she was doing something extremely wrong. God, Bea hated seeing Mae like this. The amount of torment she could see whirling in her eyes was disturbing. She wanted nothing more than to see the fun and crazy Mae she knows. This ... This was like she was a completely different person. Bea's never seen her, or anyone for that matter, fall so low in their lives before. It was truly heartbreaking and gut wrenching to witness the most upbeat person Bea knew reduced to such a state of disarray.

"Of course, Mae. C'mon, I'll help you up."

Bea lifted the small cat back onto her feet, gingerly guiding her out the attic and to the next nearest bathroom. Mae saw the bat she’d impaled through the wall in an uncontrollable fit of anger. Flashes of her dream attacked her mind upon the sight of what happens when she looses control. Trying to squint the scarring images away did nothing but garner _another_ worried look from Bea. How long before she lost control again? She knew it was bound to happen.

Mae sniffled.

Bea was pretty sure Angus had locked Mae's bathroom last night so they would have to go to her parents one.

Oh crap, Bea had totally forgotten Gregg and Angus were here, but she was quickly reminded as she heard voices murmur downstairs.

Bea wanted to make sure that they weren't revealing too much, but she ignored it for now, prioritising Mae.

Whilst travelling down the stairs, Mae took the time to glance up at the frames on the wall and noticed an absence leaving a huge space. It felt weird not to see that picture in the morning, leaving her trembling with uncertainty building up in her. She thought of how barren the wall would be without her, or if all photos of her, including her botched existence, were replaced by someone better. Maybe just joyful photos of her parents marriage, untouched by her ‘influence’. Maybe the wall was meant to remain in it’s suspended state; no more happy memories to add. 

Was she really going to get better this time?

How was she gonna move on from this one?

She was overloading with questions, feeding off her anxiety and doubt of where the hell her life's going now. The fear she had for the future was unbearable. Pressure began to build in her eyes as she, once again, felt the growing urge to release more misery.

"Okay, it's just through here Mae. You can do it." Bea directed the dark cat into another bathroom at the end of the small corridor, leading her towards the sink; Bea switching the tap on, releasing a smooth stream of water before running her claw under the water and cupping it to store warm water in. She brought her claw up to Mae's face and began rubbing it, letting the water drip off her fur. Mae knew this was supposed to, like, 'wash' away any worries she might have but all her mind could conjure up was that dream.

That damn dream.

Fuck, Mae can't do this.

Everything was just eating her up and tearing her apart. She let herself break into a sob, giving up the effort to hold it back any longer, as she released her agony in hot tears whilst pushing Bea's claw away.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, Mae. There's nothing to worry about now, it's okay." Mae just couldn't handle this shit anymore.

"No it's fucking not Bea! You can't look at me; how ... fucked I am and say that I don't have anything to worry about! I have everything to worry about, Bea- oh, shit," Her voice cracked in utter anguish as her dream flooded her brain. "God. I don't wanna hurt you Bea. I couldn't fucking stop and I tried so hard but I ... I hurt you." Her eyes squeezed shut in pain, more tears pouring out of her. Bea looked on in saddened confusion, her only actions were to bring her face closer to her's and nuzzle it, making Mae's stomach flutter.

"You won't Mae. It was just a dream. I know you won't and trust me, things will get better. You might not believe it now, but it does." Bea assured the dark cat.

Mae owed so much to Bea for the past month. She basically kept her from shattering into little 'mind-pieces'. Yet here she was now. In the end, maybe not even Beatrice Santello could help her. She couldn't even help herself to just sleep one night without having a goddamn breakdown. She was sure nothing couldn't help her this time if Bea can't keep her together. What would be the point then?

Bea grabbed a towel and began patting Mae's face down, soaking up all the water from her damp fur, not exchanging a single word. The pitiful state of herself was reflected into her eyes; Mae couldn't believe she had been brought to this point. There was no way she could feel any more useless. Tears fell silently, masked under the slight wetness of her fur. Even though she knew she had to calm down and that it was no use crying.

The thing is that she just couldn't stop.

She knew all too well that even if she did manage to stop crying, she would still feel absolutely awful. So why bother stopping? As if she thought the outcome would be any different.

"Alright, is that better?" 

Despite all that, if there was one thing she could constantly depend on, it was Bea. There's just something about her that gave the dark cat a smidge of hope. Barely enough to keep her going day after day. It's taken her so long to finally realise that Mae had to have Bea in her life.

Her train of thought struck her as she viewed the events of last night, laying in bed together, sharing a brief kiss. It happened so fast; felt like it was mere minutes ago.

Bea brought Mae closer to her, keeping her shaking body still with both claws. Mae slowly slipped underneath the teal crocodile in a somber hug, pressing against her and wiping her eyes on her shirt. Bea let the shivering dark cat bury her head under her muzzle, letting her vent into her for as long as she needed.

God, this wasn't how this morning was mean't to go.

Bea made a promise in that moment: To always be there for Mae. Both of them were now aware of how much Mae depended on Bea.

Mae sniffed again, trying to compose herself, "I love you." 

Bea's face stretched, unable to stop the smile that grew on her face, "I love you too, Mae." Mae felt everything pressing down on her, somewhat, relieve instantly as she snuggled closer into the crocodile.

"You think you're okay to go downstairs?"

"Mmhmm."

"Okay." Bea led her out of the door and navigated towards the flight of stairs; squeaking as they made their way down from the last step onto the creaking wooden floor. The chattering between the boys and Mae's parents became distinct and clear.

"Sorry we startled you Candy, we didn't mean to scare you." Gregg apologised.

"That's okay Gregg. It was just such a shock to see you two on our couch, in the morning ... half-naked."

"Yeah, we didn't really have the 'time' to say we were staying. Or explain." Angus furthered.

Stan's rumbling voice spoke up, "That's all right and cleared up, but about that. Is there anything more you can tell us about what happened last night?"

Angus promptly answered, "I don't think that's our place to say, Mr Borowski," Angus caught sight of the girls entering the room, gesturing to them, "But you can ask Bea." Both of them entered the living room, Mae still under the protection and comfort of Bea's arm as she tried to hide herself from all the eyes staring down on her. Both parents turned their urgent attention to their daughter.

"Oh honey, what's happened this time?" The concern of a mother shined through Candy, yet it was met with nothing. Not a single muscle in Mae moved.

"Why don't you sit down, kitten? It's okay, you can come to us with this stuff." Stan offered. But still nothing came out her quivering mouth.

Bea moved across to the couch and sat both of themselves down, opting to speak on her behalf.

"She’s had a rough night," Bea took on a sadder tone as she began to go through the events of last night with her parents.

"Oh, Mae" Candy reached out across the crocodile and placed her paw on Mae's lap.

"And I think it would be best if I went through it." Candy and Stan nodded, bracing and preparing for whatever may come out the crocodile's mouth. 

"So, uh, Mae reached out to me yesterday that she wasn't having the best of days and that 'things' ... college, was getting her down. So we went home with her whilst you were out; we talked about it and by the end of the night, we thought to keep her company." Sure, Bea bent the truth just a bit and left out some parts, but that's all they needed to know. The second it seems like it was going too far again, Bea would make sure that they were the first to know.

"Well thank you so very much Bea. Honestly, we can't thank you enough." Bea heeded the appreciation the older cats were expressing.

"Oh, it was nothing Mrs Borowski. I'll always look out for Mae." Bea declared, hoping to sustain the integrity of her statement, aiming for it to never go empty.

"Please, Bea, call me Candy. You're family now. Remember you have a home here. And Mae?" The dark cat's ears perked up, moving her gaze from the floor up to meet her mom's. "We love you so much. Please know that we're always here for you if this ‘college’ business comes round again."

All Mae could conjure was a frail mutter,

"Okay..."

"Okay then, Mae. Go get changed and I'll cook something up for you. How 'bout breakfast-for-dinner, eh? Sound's good?" Stan teased her, getting her to crack a small smile,

"Okay."

"Anyways, I think Gregg and I better get going now. Thank you for havi-"

"Oh, no, no. Please, there's plenty to go round. I don't mind cooking the extra. It'll be done in half an hour anyways." Stan interrupted hospitably.

"Oh yeah! Thanks! C'mon Angus!" Gregg's excitableness shined as he shook Angus’ arms, which was mirrored by Angus' acceptance as they decided to stay. Mae, however, sat there deep in the void of her thoughts. Everyone seemed so happy and normal. She couldn't help but think that this happiness wasn't going to last long or that she would ruin it somehow. It's been so long since she was genuinely happy. She may have smiled and laughed but inside ... It didn't feel the same. But she had every reason to be happy! Things might finally be able to move on, she has a stronger relationship than 'friends' with Bea and everyone was happy! Except for her. Was she being ungrateful? Was she being the piece of trash she knew she was?

Bea lifted her arm over Mae's head, pulling her side closer, melting Mae's heart just by the sheer touch. No, no she had to push through this time. So much is on the line for her now and she can't ever afford to lose any of it. If she did, the dark cat would never forgive herself. She's failed enough times in her life. To fail once more ... she couldn't handle that thought. Mae reclined in closer, latching onto that dim glimmer of hope Bea constantly has. Hope that she could do something right for once and continue her life, but this time, Bea was with her stuck in their proximity; both of them not wanting to be anywhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 22/07/2020
> 
> This note has nothing to do with the story but I just looked back at the first few paragraphs and realized, I PREDICTED THE LAST OF US 2. I aM sUCh a gOd! 
> 
> except without the golf club ofc.
> 
> Anyways enough of that.


	2. A New Dawn?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 31st December 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to highlight a word that may be unfamiliar: "Shithousery" - The art of pissing off your opponents and their fans by getting an unfair advantage. Not that important to know, really.

The roar of a thousand voices shook the ground just as the noise from the TV roared. Mae found herself glued to the screen as she became witness to a hockey player getting completely slammed into the glass wall separating the riled fans jeering at him. It was a weird feeling, being in the arena but still watching on the TV. Mae stood behind a long counter pulling on a handle which released a frothy yellow liquid pouring into a mangled plastic cup, her focus swinging back to the cup as it overfilled, "Oop. All right sir, here you-"

"Thanks," The cup was swiftly swiped from her paws and the guy she barely caught a glimpse at was already off, heaving up the stair back into the stands.

"... go." The potent stench of beer marauded from her uniform as she tried drying herself with her bare paws. "Hmph, great." Beer never had a stable relationship with the cat.

Eh, she couldn't judge him. She never knew Possum Springs had a hockey derby, and it was New Year's too so of course people want to watch the game and drink and be loud, and drink, be loud, and support and was drinking mentioned? That too. A lot of it. But still, these teams were, like, in some amateur league, yet the atmosphere was bouncing. This was exactly why Mae preferred hockey over American football (I can't bring myself to call it just 'football'). Like, rough tackles are supposed to happen but with hockey, it's for the pure shithousery, which is miles more entertaining.

She took a quick glance at the time; thirty-first minute, the game would be finishing soon for half-time. Ugh, that meant she had to do her job for fifteen minutes. If there was a time to call Bea, it'd be now. She whipped her phone out and flipped it over, opening it with a simple press of her paw, but as soon as her paw hovered over Bea's name, she paused ... She'd be lying if she didn't say that Bea seemed a bit distant this morning.

Yesterday was completely fine though, like, it was another normal day. She doesn't remember doing anything that wrong, besides, the worst thing she could think of was when she almost gave the wrong order at the 'pickaxe. Bea can't really blame the dark cat though, right? She was juggling two part time jobs, surely Bea could cut her some slack? Also, Mae _almost_ gave the wrong order, she fixed it in the end! 

So why'd she seem off?

She took a deep breath to suck up some courage and finally pressed down on the screen as the phone began to buzz.

"Sorry, the person you are calling currently has their phone phone either switched off or is outside the coverage area. Please try again later."

Mae face palmed, pinching the bridge of her muzzle, "Ugh, geez, didn’t they fix the cell towers? Ha, why would they work anyways; this is Possum Springs."

Mae rested her elbows on the counter, tapping and fiddling on the screen as she went down the texting route. "With the realm of cell coverage gone, at least I still have you, yee ol' Whatsapp." The courage she made dissipating back into cowardice the second she sent it.

_Maeday_ _**\- hey bea - 19:52**_

__♥ _BeaBea♥ **\- Hey, you - 19:53**_

_ __♥ _BeaBea_**_♥ - Please tell me you're off shift - 19:53_ ** _

_Maeda_ _y **\- im not. - 19:53**_

_Maeday_ ** \- but i wanna talk to u for a bit - 19:53**

_**___♥ ___**BeaBea**_**_♥ - Mae, we talked about this. You've already been told to not text or call during shift hours. And they will follow through. It's not like at the pickaxe where you have me, okay? They will fire you - 19:53_**_**_

_Maeday **\- geez, okay okay okay i know. but theyll never catch me anyways, lol. I am. Uncatchable - 19:53**_

_ __♥ _BeaBea_**_**_**_♥ - I'm being serious - 19:53_**_**_**_

A pang of regret spiked through her. Something had to be wrong.

_Maeday **\- i know. im sorry - 19:54**_

Her paws hovered over the touch pad for what seemed to drag on forever. She bit her lip, trying to find the words that wont piss Bea off in any way, but also gauge her into saying what she did wrong. Yet, as hard as she tried to conjure any form of a sentence, she couldn't create anything. Everything she thought off was bound to anger the crocodile. An angry Bea was the last thing she wanted. Mae scoffed at herself, unable to believe that this was how she started off the year. By pissing off her girlfriend. Her head fell flat onto the counter with a heavy thud, muffling the noise of the crowd.

"Ugh. Stupid, stupid, stupid."

The phone vibrated, sending the fur to stand up her arms, instantly grabbing her attention as she wasted no time opening the phone.

_ __♥ _BeaBea_ ** _ ** _ ** _♥ - Something wrong? - 19:56_ ** _ ** _ ** _

Agh, shit, was she trying to get her to admit what she did? Her mind coasted along blankly, the only thing she could remotely say would tick off the crocodile was that order.

_Maeday **\- yeah... just wanted to say im sorry for screwing up that order yesterday- 19:56**_

_ _Maeday_ ** _ **\- I didnt mean to. i dont really know what i was thinking. - 19:56**_ ** _

_ ** _ ** _ __♥ _BeaBea_ ** _ ** _ ** _♥ - That's okay Mae. Don't worry about it. - 19:56_ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _

****A sharp noise screeched from the TV and from the multiple stairways spanning across the stand. The collective sound of chairs slapping up, hitting the plastic, came down upon Mae's ears as a horde of people came in, walking straight towards her. God, she hated this bit of the job. So many goddamn people to take care of and you never know if they're gonna be good people or just plain assholes. She decided that she could get one final glance at her phone before whipping out the 'beer-atron', as she likes to call it, and those disgusting cups.

_ ** _ ** _ __♥ _BeaBea_ ** _ ** _ ** _♥ - I'll see you soon Maeday. Love you. - 19:57_ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _

As she placed her phone back into her pocket, she met her eyes with the impatient line forming in front of her. She took a deep breath. In. Out. Okay ... no matter how much she hated having hundred of people surge towards her at once, she was ready for this shit.

"Don't we have a limit for you people?" She muttered discreetly.

And just as she was about to open her mouth, she was twirled around and the sea of people was replaced by her manager, who's name she never bothered to learn, "You, Margaret-"

"Mae..." She resentfully interrupted under her breath.

"Ya can have this half-time off. Ya got someone waiting for ya." 

The dark cat took a short step back, reeling in the fact that someone wanted to see her at work, "Um ... who?"

He just sighed loudly, shooing her off with an irritated wave of his claw, "I don't have time for this shit, just go. Please."

“Oookay?”

She gingerly sidestepped out of his way and made her way through the door separating hell and her sanctuary: The kitchen. Already forgetting that somebody was here for her, she traversed through the little break room and into a run down kitchen. She opened the fridge, scanning the contents for anything that could sustain her until the day was done, but, of course, there was nothing inside other than a half empty can of soda, she wasn't exactly sure was her's to begin with. wOW sHE lOveD hEr jOB! She looked down in defeat and shook her head, flicking the door shut.

Jesus, they were all still screaming out there. God bless the manager-dude. She was so glad she didn't have to deal with that bullshit. Like, why does she have to spend more time here than at the pickaxe? It mean't she hardly got to see Bea other than getting home, sleeping then going back to work the next day. It made her contemplate whether thats how Bea wants to see less of her. Whether that's why Bea seemed so distant ... But, no, no that's stupid. Bea can't control the hours she works, it's not her fault and it’s only been like this for one day.

Besides, she's going back and forth between these two jobs for the both of them and, hopefully, she's finally doing something good for them. 

But could she keep it up forever? She can't work at the pickaxe or this arena forever, could she? It was always a pain for Bea to drive her all the way out down the highway. God, she hated this. Why couldn't things just be the way they were before all this crap? 

“The uniform suits you.”

Her thoughts were cut off when a pair of arms covered in teal scales cloaked over her head and around her body as she felt a long snout rest of top of her head, sending waves of electricity though her skull and snapping her out from her mind. She felt that calming aura she'd become so accustomed to, shocking her beyond anything. She pushed away and gazed upon the teal crocodile beaming down on her.

"Bea?!"

"Happy New Year's, Maeday."

Mae was speechless. She couldn't begin to even comprehend what was happening right in front of her. She latched back onto the crocodile in a warm hug, planting her lips right onto Bea's passionately, as they separated to follow up on her welcome confusion, "Wha- What're you doing here?!"

"Well, Mae, it's New Year's and I knew you were holed up here all day, so here I am."

Mae practically squealed under Bea's neck, rubbing herself lovingly onto her with the widest smile across her face.

"Oh my God, you're amazing BeaBea! How did you even convince the bitch-boss?" The teal crocodile laughed at how happy she was making Mae, sharing the amount of joy between each other.

”Let’s say I can be persuasive.”

Mae, meanwhile, couldn't stop thinking about how much Bea actually does for her. Saved her life, on more than one occasion, supported her, gave her a job, which was technically taken out of their income and now she was surprise visiting.

Good Lord, she gave her a job.

She's just perfect. The dark cat was so grateful to be lucky enough to have her. 

When the hell was Mae going to repay her? Seems like she's just taking her for granted.

Mae proceeded to let go of Bea, sitting down on the couch opposite the fridge, soon accompanied by the crocodile, "So this was why you were avoiding me?"

Bea reached around the back of her head, scratching it lightly and appreciating the same cute reaction Mae gave, "Oh, sorry, I really wanted it to be a surprise."

"Heh, since when did you get so mushy? You don’t need to do that Bea, you already do enough for me."

Bea scoffed light-heartedly, leaning her face closer in towards Mae's, "Sometimes, I think I don't." She connected herself with Mae in another quick kiss.

Mae let herself slide down to lay her head on her lap, "God, you made me think I was fucking up somehow." She sounded sincere yet dejected.

Bea reeled back just a bit, feeling the responsibility that this whole 'surprise' idea might not have been the best thing, "Oh. I'm sorry. You're doing fine Mae. Great, actually. I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise."

There was a tiny bit of relief flowing through the dark cat, even if it didn't feel totally true, "How about I do something for you? Like, we can watch the game; You’re gonna love hockey." Mae gestured to the direction of the impending noise, with a slight smirk on her face. Bea on the other hand, didn't show the same enthusiasm as she quickly found herself being dragged by the claw back into the, very, drunk crowd.

***

"Christ, how in God’s name did I let you talk me into watching that game. I've never seen you act like that."

Mae was bouncing on her toes, up and down, adrenalin clearly coursing through her from the crazed look on her face, "Huh? Yeah, Yeah. Wasn't that awesome!? The dude got totally smashed, like, did you see all the blood!?"

Bea facepalmed in disappointment after failing to drag Mae back to the reality that she was shouting like a some fanatic in the middle of a car park. "That is literally the only reason you like hockey. Like do you enjoy when they attack and score goals and shit?" She stuck her claw out from her facepalm, her sarcasm radiating in her voice.

"Bea, Bea, Bea. Listen, Bea." She angled her head down, peering with her eyes in a suitable challenge to her sarcasm. "The fighting is all hockey fans care about."

Bea rolled her eyes, "Suuure. I'm sure people only enjoy just a bunch of idiots beating each other than the actual sport."

"Pfffft. Of course they do. Tell me one moment where people screamed as loud other than breakouts."

“The goals.” Bea said nonchalantly.

The dark cat over-exaggerated her retaliation, not realising that she'd continued to walk beyond Bea, who noticed her once close voice fizzling out.

"Um, Mae, where're you going? The car's over here." Mae stopped dead in her tracks with the snow belting down on her as she swivelled around on her heels, embarrassment visible in her face, "Hehe," Mae stood there, only giving a response when Bea shrugged her shoulders, wondering what was taking so long. But the face Mae was giving was so damn adorable. "Right, right, right. I'm just so jumpy right now. I feel like I could go on and on and on and on and on and - "

"Okaaay, then. Let's get you in the car." Bea opened the door for Mae and shoved her into the seat, pulling the seatbelt over her body and clicking it in.

"Oh, c'mon Bea! You’d find it fun if we were bashing each other in the rink!”

“Mae. I will leave you here.”

“You'd be lying if you said you didn't enjoy it." Mae's arms crossed, eyes followed Bea childishly as she made her way around the car and beside Mae, getting behind the wheel.

"Hmm. I guess I would be."

Bea cracked a grin, twisting the key causing the car to sputter which soon turned into a clanky rumble. "See? You can't get any better than hockey." Mae said, 'proving' herself right. Bea turned her head round, not paying attention to her cat for now, standing up as much as she could to view out the back of the car. "Hey Bea, I was thinking when we get home, we can watch a few of the **real** good hockey fights. Like, I'm telling you, they're super fun to watch." 

"Actually Mae, I've got other things planned I think you'll really like." Bea announced casually, arm hanging over the headrest.

"Oh ..... Oooooh, geez, Bea I don't know about _that. _Are you sure?" Bea came back down to her default position, after successfully backing out, and paused to look at Mae with a smidge of confusion, "What? What do you mean? You don't even know what I have planned." Bea began to wonder if her surprise visit made it obvious what was gonna happen.

"Um, uh, I mean, like ... I'm not ... ready? Wait are you thinking the same thing I am?" Mae squinted her eyes in total disorientation to what Bea was trying to infer.

Although, Bea had figured out that Mae's mind was most likely in the gutter, "Mae, my god, no. No, were definitely not thinking the same thing."

"Oh, okay ...... But would you one day?"

Bea lightly chuckled at the question guised in Mae's innocent tone, "Getting ahead of ourselves, Maeday?" Then Bea put a little more thought into it, “Eh, you know what? Maybe. I'm not against the idea.”

"Really? Alrighty then." Mae was swift to change the subject, "So what do you have planned that could be better than sick hockey fights?" The car, at last, started to sleuth its way out the car park. As Bea focused all her awareness on the road, Mae shuffled her back into her seat. Mae always thought there was some sort of awkwardness when it came to car rides. Especially this car. Not the greatest memories were made with Bea in this car. Memories that screamed cringe and moments of the dark cats utter stupidity. The darkness of the night didn't make any of it better.

Bea, however, was smiling contently, seemingly unfazed by Mae's apparent awkwardness, shuffling the gears around in her claw, "You'll see."

***

The car pulled over with a squeak in front of Bea's depressing bricked apartment as Mae undid her seatbelt prematurely. So this 'thing' is at Bea's apartment. She pondered what this could mean: More private than her house but more people around. Hmph, ironic. Despite this, Mae still couldn't guess what might be going on.

Tonight has been nothing but suspense and anticipation for the dark cat as she tried to find any indications to who might be here; like a car or a bike or something she could recognise, but, as per usual, Bea's car was the only thing parked in front of these apartments. That could just mean that whoever might be there walked, which would make sense cause why would you even need to drive anywhere in Possum Springs. Or that could mean that this next surprise wasn't another visit.

She shook in the spot excitedly and quickly exited the car, closing the door with a firm slam, "Oooooh, BeaBea, just tell me already!" Both of them were jogging up the stairs, getting out of the cold as fast as they could, air wrapping them in warmth as they entered the complex.

"Where would be the fun in that? You of all people should understand that." Bea remarked, Mae turning around with a prepared snarky comment yet she saw Bea typing on her phone before snapping it back into her jacket, brushing past her to go up the stairs.

"Heeeey, who were you texting?" Mae ran after her up the flights of stairs as the teal crocodile decided to no longer humour Mae's line of questioning. They entered the long and plain corridor, walking through but before Bea could finally open the door and reveal what was inside, Bea felt her arm being tugged by the agitated cat, "Beeeeeeeea."

Once again, Bea said nothing. She only moved out of the door's way, leaving Mae standing there before opening it for her. Mae's glance went from Bea to this big orange blur in front of her, attaching itself onto her tightly, "AaaaaAaaAagh! Happy New Year, Mae!"

"Gregg?" 

"Yeah, dude!" Gregg let her go from his strong hug.

"Hi, Mae." Angus revealed himself from the corner.

"Sup, Big Guy!" Mae scoffed in pleasant disbelief, "You guys! You really didn't have to do all this. Bea told me you guys were in Bright Harbour!" She glared accusingly at the teal crocodile who merely shrugged and smiled it off, "Surprise."

"Uuugh, I should've known. How long have you been planning this?"

"Ever since Gregg wouldn't shut up about finishing that new song. Which was yesterday." Bea leaned back into the door, crossing her arms as Gregg came up behind Mae and pulled her inside, "Which reminds me: We got everything set up, my bass is there and we also got a few beers, cause we're legal!" They crossed into Bea's room, which looked emptier than usual, despite having all the instruments and stuff littered everywhere. Actually, the more Mae thought about it, she probably should've said 'cleaned-up' instead of 'empty'.

"Now, I think this goes without saying Maeday, but _only_ two cups, okay. You puke anywhere in here, I swear to Christ." The teal crocodile simultaneously advised and threatened the dark cat, forcing her to shift uneasily as those regretful memories flooded into her head. She tried to forget about it, picking up Gregg's green base guitar and pulling the straps over her body. Ugh, she liked her pink bass better. Well, it was gone cause Mae was too much of an idiot.

She shook her head, failing to stop the chained flow of bad memory after bad memory invading her stability, building up to eventually fall down. She took a deep breath and whispered to herself, "Okay, just one drink. One and you'll be faaaaantastic." She went straight for the ice box beside the door, popping it open with a satisfying fizz.

"Maeday, no, really, already?" Bea made a bit of fun out of the antics, but not without leaving a bit of genuine concern for her girlfriend. Mae pulled up a temporary facade, thinking it would be better that they didn't know she could be having a sort of relapse of memory, "It's New Years, Have some fun, BeaBea!"

"Hnnngh, okay, Maeday. But the second you seem out of it-"

Mae tossed a can over to Bea, who caught it with her sharp movements, "Trust me, I don't ever wanna end up like that again."

***

"Okah, that should be a wrap on that!" Gregg observed the room, witness to many groaning bodies either on the bed or on the window sill, who were probably very much done for the night, "I guess we'll listen to it tomorrow. Do any of you wanna pizza?"

One of the bodies laying on the bed perked up, lifting her torso from her resting state, "Ooh, pizza damn good, Greggor. Yessss." Mae hiccuped after finishing her segmented sentence.

"Alright, you got it duder. One-a-pizzaroo on it's way." He backed out of the room, phone held against his ear as his distant voice began to order. Out of everyone, Mae couldn't believe that Gregg was the most sober. Even Angus was just a little bit tipsy. Man, Gregg really takes music seriously, like, they really could've played out for real one day. Mae felt a claw beginning to stroke her head, "Hey, you feeling okay?" Bea asked with the utmost care. A reaction that was a far cry from the previous time she got drunk.

"Yeah. Not as bad as last time, but I can still feel them. Also this band stuff has me tired as shit."

"Heh, yeah, when Gregg gets going, there's no stopping him. He's got such tenacity" Angus said, his love for his fox shimmering in his voice.

_Tenacity. _The foreign word ran through her mind. _Ten-a-ci-ty. _Mae, however, went to spoil the mood by giving a sudden belch from her stomach, the sensation of her hot breath escaping her mouth. "Ugh, I wanna die." Although she said it ironically, something in the depths of her subconscious told her otherwise.

"Kay, Pizza's on it's way, dudes. It's really cool you're dad was so chill with all this ... How are you all so tired?! It's only 1:00."

Bea's sarcasm hunted down Gregg's words, "Which means we've been here for 5 hours, I’m gonna be tired. And my dad can sleep through anything."

Mae lifted her paw up into the air, signalling she had something to say before hiccuping again, "I also had work. It waz match day."

Gregg heaved himself up onto the window sill, the respective couples huddling into their partners, "You know what confuses me? The legal drinking age."

"Here we go again." Angus rolled off the fox, sitting upright against the window.

"No, seriously. Every time you see teens in TV shows, movies or other high school crap they put up, theres always a party and no one ever goes 'damn they underage as hell'. So drinking at 18 and stuff has been normalised yet, the legal drinking age is 21?"

"Bright Harbor got to your head, huh?" Mae chipped in.

"I'm getting older and my political views are changing!" The fox exclaimed in a damsel-in-distress sort of way as he cracked open another can of beer, "Well, another year survived, huh guys? Boom!"

The word 'survived' rang in her brain like some annoying bell that wouldn't stop. 'Survive' isn't the word she'd describe how she got through the year. It made it seem like she knew what she was doing to stay alive the whole year. But at the same time, 'lived' didn't cut it for Mae either. That made it sound like nothing remotely bad happened to her, which it damn well did.

Goddamn, it was another year gone already. 2018. Amazing how a change of one in a number, representing years since the dudes name we say in vain everyday died, could bring people such worry. And dear lord, it gave Mae the most anxiety she's ever felt in her entire life.

It's not like when she was young and a year change just represents her going further along the education ladder. Now that life just coasted along like 'that', this change meant everything. She remembered what it was like at college during the first few months of the year. She ran her paws along the underside of her arm, eventually coming to lightly trace where her hand and arm met. If things really were going to change ... maybe even for the worst, what would that mean for her? For Bea? Her friends? What happens if all it took to push her over the edge was the course of a single year.

She's been doing great so far, but what happens if she couldn't handle what could be to come ... "I dunno Gregg. Mostly felt like I struggled to get pass last year."

Angus pushed his glasses up his nose, adjusting it so that he doesn't appear so disheveled, "What do you mean, Mae?"

The alcohol burning through her system was dissolving the emotional wall she'd constructed. She relied on herself to speak her mind without causing any worry for her that the others just didn't need. "You know college was a real shitty time for me and to top off the year, I come back and deal with that cult thing." Bea embraced her closer, preparing for any incoming breakdown as a result of the topic of college and their autumn. "Before I used the sleeping pills and cough syrup, I'd sometimes think really bad things. Like, I'd lay in bed doing nothing, only thinking about how I could ... end it. All of it. That was pretty much my life until summer, where I got the time to rethink everything."

The chiming of the door bell rang through, Angus responding almost immediately, "I'll get it." Angus left the static room, reentering with a nice box of pizza, which he placed in the middle of the bed for everyone to gather around. Each of them grabbed a slice before Mae continued letting her facade disappear, unbeknownst to her.

"Even now, I think I still think like that?" For what seemed like breakdown central to Bea, she was shocked hearing how calm Mae was. Bea didn't know if that was a good thing or extremely concerning.

"All that crap; coming back, the dad cult 'bull and god knows whatever else, I guess I just don't know if next year will be any different, even if it feels like everything's changed."

She munched on her pizza half-heartedly. God, she missed Pastabilities. "Things do feel better for me though, so who knows?"

Bea slung an arm over her comfortingly, "This year's gonna be different Maeday, I know it." Everyone unanimously hummed in a passive agreement, the last slices being scooped up and consumed by the four in a flash.

"So, Bea, we gonna sleep on the couch again?" Gregg muttered though his mouth half full of pizza bits.

"Nah, I'm feeling nice; sleep on the bed. Too tired to give too much of a damn anyways." Bea said, her eyelids falling as she crawled back up, Mae still in her arms as if she was a stuffed toy. Geez, this night turned into a real mess. Not that Mae could complain; life may have been a bitch but maybe Bea had some substance saying it could be better, maybe, for everyone. Mae grinned at the thought of when they wake up and see all this shit everywhere. All four of them manage to squeeze into the bed, silently dozing off into the next stages of their lives.


	3. Nights to Cherish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 27th March 2018

The wind blew it's chill air down the backs of two figures strolling lazily down the empty street, paw in claw. The sun gave a charming glow as it slowly sank towards the line separating the earth and sky, which, for once, hadn't a single cloud in it. It was rare to end up with one of these days and on a Sunday too. Mae and Bea had the entire day for themselves. It felt like a lifetime ago since the last time they got the chance to spend any real time with each other.

"You locked the 'Pickaxe, right?" Mae slowed down in thought, dragging Bea with her.

"Ha, since when were you ever the one to ask that first?" Bea delivered her a sarcastic smirk, "Yeah, I did." Not many more words were exchanged as they continued to idly wandered further past the achingly familiar run-down views of their hometown. The beauty of the day was soon sucked from the surroundings the more the both of them just stared at the world they live in.

"Why do you go in on Sundays all the time? You should take one off." Mae spoke self righteously and slightly annoyed that this perfect day was cut short by work. Again. How come every time there's this great chance for them to hang out, work comes outta no where? God, it really boiled her blood sometimes. How hard was it to just give one entire day to themsleves?

"It's not that bad Maeday. Just come in for an hour or two, take inventory, clean up. You wouldn't believe the shit you find in there." Bea said reasonably, slowing to sit themselves down underneath the big war statue, both of them sighing as they let themselves flop down. Geez, we're they walking in circles? This statue's _before_ the 'Pickaxe. Geez, they must really be out of it today.

Anyways, okay, maybe Mae was, just maybe, exaggerating how long Sunday jobs took, but still. It wasn't like spending time at the 'Pickaxe was the most fun or even romantic thing they could do with their lives and, even if they didn't have to do much, they were always sleepy after working those few hours, more so today. She wouldn't mind going home, lay in bed with Bea and watch some shows with her. Some quality time at least.

"I know BeaBea, it's just I hardly get to be with you anymore. Sucks being stuck at home or work all the time."

Bea breathed in, her chest rising as she released it when she talked, "I know what you mean, but we need to. Simple as." Bea had to be very cautious about their work life because she's constantly worrying if any kind of distance will affect Mae, more than Bea, or if something happens at work and Bea's not there to console or protect her. That 'if' could be the very thing that breaks her again. She's been doing so well so far, and Bea could feel nothing but pride for her, but she, and pretty much everyone else, knows she's clinging on a thin line. A lot of the time even Bea thinks Mae knows this.

Mae kicked her dangling legs in the air, looking down as Bea brought her arm behind her, finding tranquility in the closeness of the moment. "Yeah about that..."

Bea waited for her patiently, fiddling with the drawstring hanging from her hoodie, twirling it round her claws, "The arena 'people' offered me a full time job."

"Really? Thats great Mae!"

"Hehe, yeah, they said they're gonna pay me fifteen an hour instead of eight."

"My God, seriously? Take it! You have to take it! Have you taken it?"

"Um, no ..."

"...Um, why not, Maeday?" Mae could tell the teal crocodile was controlling herself; she could hear the strain in her voice.

"They said they'll have to move me to a bigger place in," She paused, the look of utter disbelief in her eyes, "In Pittsburgh."

"Pittsburgh? That's three hours away..." Mae didn't speak another word, opting to let Bea absorb the shocking news. 

"Mae ... Um ..." Bea struggled to give the appropriate guidance for the dark cat. Bea absolutely knew this was an opportunity of Mae's lifetime so far. But then again, she had to be considerate about her girlfriend. Pittsburgh would be completely foreign to her, she definitely would not be able to handle it. Bea couldn't exactly go with her cause of the 'Pickaxe.

Agh, shit. It didn't weigh out. Not at all.

"The only reason they offered me this is that they need to get rid of a few to, how do you say it? Like, make it easier on the budget." Mae explained further, snug under Bea's arms and almost dozing off right there. 

Ugh, budget cuts are the worst. Bea could connect the dots of the callous nature of employment. Fucking hell, this system was only in for the money; how capitalist.

"I don't know what to do, BeaBea. I can't lose this job; my parents will kill me. But I can't just ... abandon everyone here. I'd be the biggest douche ever. I've been thinking about this for a while and I don't wanna disappoint anybody, but one way someones gonna get pissed at me." The work stress that had been accumulating was finally starting to leak out of her, "God why does life suck so fucking much." Nothing was mean't to go wrong this time, yet it felt like her life was hanging in the balance. She hadn't made the decision but she knew that, unless some miracle happens, she was probably going to have to leave this job behind. Words were quietly echoing in the back of her mind. 'Failure', 'Screw-up', 'Mistake'.

Bea looked up at the twilight gap forming just above the last line of sun glowing on the horizon, "C'mon Mae, let's talk about this later. We should go now."

"Yeah. Yeah you're right. I can worry about it later." Both of them stood up but they heard shuffling from behind one of the bushes. Emerging from it was a petite mouse in an oversized red hoodie, "Hey killer. Thought I heard you back here." 

Mae instantly recognised the mouse; Bea, however, gave an odd stare. As soon as she heard her unfortunate nickname, her muscles tensed with surging guilt rummaging her body, "Lori, please don't call me that." Lori's eyes went wide in shame and humiliation, "Oh crap, Mae, sorry. I didn't mean anything bad. It's just been so long since we've seen each other and I'm used to calling you that, um, um." Mae noticed her breathing become heavier and faster, "Hey, hey it's okay. It's okay. I'm not angry. See? Just tired." Bea looked on at the peculiar character as she calmed down, deciding on her final judgements and attempting to talk to Lori, the name she though she'd caught, "Uh, hi?"

"Hi. Who's your friend?" Lori's gaze travelled down to her paw entwined with the crocodile's claw, "Oh, girlfriend?"

Bea gave a half-hearted accusing stare, "You got a problem with that?"

Lori, though, didn't know any better as her mouth went agape once again displaying shame, paws waving in front of her, "No. No, no, no. No problem at all."

Mae lightly whacked Bea's side, "Bea, don't scare the kid. She's just joking. She has a 'Bea'ish' way of saying it. She's actually really soft once you get under her skin." Lori stood there, nodding nonchalantly at the brief introduction to the towering and intimidating crocodile in front of her. "So what're you doing here, kid?"

The mouse shoved her paws inside her small pockets, "Eh, you know me. Just hanging around and thought I'd say hi ... Ooooh, she's the one you kept on talking about! So it actually happened? How long have you been together now?" The mouse's interest was fast to peak once more as Mae stumbled up to her, trying to play it cool, "Haha. OhmygodLoriwhypleasestopsmilinglikethatyouremakingitreallyobvious." She rushed her speech bashfully, as Bea blushed, flattered by Mae's affection for her.

For the sake of Mae's dignity, Bea chose to just answer Lori's question, "We've been together since November, so four months. But we've known each other for years, it feels much longer than that."

"Aw. I'm so happy for you guys."

"Thanks, kid. It was great to see you again, but we gotta go now."

"You too. Guess I'll see you around, Mae."

"C'ya kid." She skipped off back behind the statue, pure silence as she did, disappearing immediately.

"So that was the kid you're friends with." The teal crocodile assessed after meeting her.

"Mmhmm." They set off again, making their way back to Mae's house.

"What did you say to her about me?" Although she was teasing, she was genuinely curious to know. 

"Um, the same stuff I always tell you: That I love you, you're amazing, you've always been there for me and that I couldn't bear to live without you."

Bea's heart melted as Mae expressed her love. Something that didn't happen very often. She felt compelled to lead one another aside from the street, stopping under the cover of a secluded tree, claw on her chest. She gently caressed her cheek with the back of her claw and guided it up beside her ear before coming closer, "Maeday," Their lips fused, combining the adoration they shared while they both eased into each other, eyes idly left half-open in bliss. Their connection broke off, Bea's face only inches apart, "I'm so happy I get to spend everyday with your dorky ass."

Mae reeled back at the sudden tone shift, "Uh? Dorky? Girl, you better believe you got no game on me."

"You'd be surprised."

The two of them continued walking, laughing and enjoying each others company, their tiredness being intensified by the fading of the light around them. Both of them ambled back towards Maple Street, grateful that they were, at last, gonna get a full night to relax.

***

"Ooh, ooh, Peaky Blinders! Have you watched this one? It's so good. I haven't gone round to season four yet!" Mae shoved Bea out of the way, pointing on the computer screen, "Hey, ow!"

Mae ignored the yelps of her crocodile as she continued her botched synopsis of the show, wriggling round her futon as she did, "It's all this olden-timey British place and it's actually really cool. They're all like 'Oi, you want some!' and it's set after World War one- " After horribly failing to recreate a Birmingham accent, Bea impatiently cut her off before she could utter another word, returning to her original position beside her, "Yeah, I know what it is, and no."

"What? Why not?"

"I didn't like it."

"Whaaaaaat? How?"

"I just don't. I found it boring."

"What's boring about a bunch of well dressed dudes about to fuck shit up?!"

"It's not a big deal, let's just find something we both want to watch, we've been browsing for an hour."

"No we haven't! Besides, every one I pick, you say no,"

"How about I pick then?"

"... Fine"

The teal crocodile cautiously slid the computer to her side before scrolling, through the webiste, Mae peering at the reflection run across her eyes, becoming lost in them.

"Um, oh, What about Stranger Things."

"Ugh, I'd love to but I have to watch it with my family."

"Oh my god, let's just watch a movie." Bea moved the mouse and clicked with conviction, seeming as if she already had one in mind. Mae's assumption proved right as she held the cursor over a brick-red cover, the little clip playing as she did.

" 'Her'? What kind of name is that."

"It's a really sweet movie, Mae, I think you'll like it." The dark cat hopped over Bea and nestling herself in between the crocodile’s legs and laid back against her chest, bringing the computer right up in their faces. "Okay, if you say so." Mae nuzzled the top of her head underneath Bea's chin as the movie was clicked on, Mae pulling she sheets over the pair as they passively watched the movie.

***

Mae found herself immersed in the risque yet riveting style of the spectacle in front of her. Bea initially thought that Mae might've been just a tad bit immature for this kind of thing, but she seemed like she was truly roped in. Bea was certain that the opportunity to do it was now; under the cover of the movie. With Mae still placed on her lap and her arms around her torso, her claws began to dig in, massaging the side of her body and making her way up and down her body. Mae hadn't noticed yet. Bea reached her hips and stopped pressing on her flesh, going for strokes along her thighs. The dark cat tensed.

A small sqeuak forced her way out her mouth as if she was about to say something, but ultimately nothing was spoken. Bea paused waiting for any opposition or the 'green light'. With Mae still staring at the screen, she grabbed one of the teal crocodile's claws and manually moved it up and down, signalling for Bea to keep going. Bea smooched the dark cat's shoulders up until her neck, where she went completely limp, hitting the right spot that gave Bea full control. "Mmmm." 

Bea's claw came under a certain article of clothing as she stretched in order to cover more of Mae. Her claw circled around the sensitive edges of Mae's labia causing Mae to writhe her legs, squeezing on the claw and breathing becoming quicker and deeper.

Mae's mind was speeding as fast as light. There wasn't a hope in hell this was happening. They'd joke about this kind of thing every now and then, sure, but now that it was happening ... she felt unsure. Unsure if it was the right time. Unsure if she'd even earned any right to do this with her. It was such a huge step from where she felt they were. Surely Bea must feel like the time was right so maybe it was?

Mae's mouth fell open under the trance of these new sensations her crocodile was giving her, holding her head up as she tried to handle them. She was going to admit that it felt unreal. But as soon as Bea's claw stopped orbiting round her entrance and she felt Bea press into her, her brain exploded. "Wait, wait, wait, BeaBea, stop, stop." Bea complied instantly whipping her arm out the sheet away from Mae, "Okay, okay."

Bea reintroduced her arm, but only to embrace Mae around her chest, trying to make her feel secure and safe, "What happened?" Mae sighed with a rush of air, collecting her thoughts and recovering from what just happened, "I, um, still don't think I'm ready yet." And to be honest with herself, she might not ever be. It felt so impossible, so forbidden for her to even be with her in the first place but she loved the crocodile so damn much that she ignored those feelings. "And it's not like I don't want to; I do. But..."

"But?" Bea questioned, attempting to get Mae to subconsciously open up to her.

"I dunno..." These conflicting contradictions stirring in her brain became more pronounced: She didn't deserve her. Mae retaliated by forcing them out her head even more. "Tell you what, we can try again some time later. I think it would be better if you'd told me before anyways." Mae twisted round and kissed her girlfriend.

"Sure thing, Maeday." For the rest of the time they lay there, Bea only stroked her head. 

After solving that predicament with, unexpected, ease, another one just wanted to be a bitch and jumped right into her head. Her job. Once again, the world pretty much told her that she'll never get a break. Geez, why was she like this?

She thought about what it would mean if she took it and if she left it. Balancing out the factors she came to the deciding one. Bea. She thought about tonight and how if she left, she'd never have nights like this ever again. It was a no brainer for Mae. There was no way, absolutely no fucking way that she was going to give up cherishing these nights for a couple extra dollars. Seeing the potential they had, they could really become something; had she just calmed down and get her broken head in the game, Bea would've given her a special night, no doubt. 

Surely after everything's that has happened to her, people will understand her decision. Her parent's will accept her decision, right? It couldn't be that bad, she could just find another one of the countless minimum wage jobs in Possum Springs. Her mind was made up. Tonight decided her week long thought process, putting an end to it. When she wakes up tomorrow, there was only one thing she could do.


	4. Days to Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 28th March 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im getting impatient now and Im gonna post these as soon as they're done and worry about editing it later

_Shivers. Shivers went spiralling down her back. There was wind rushing past her violently, blowing her fur, these lamp-post things and dust into the air. She couldn't feel it though. She was as cold as ice, but the wind had no effect on her. Once again, the familiarity hit her like a truck. She was ... back. The four gravestones. Floating bodies. The music. Those band dudes were probably back too. Dread filled her to the brim. Last time she had these dreams ... God, she'd rather not go over it again. But why? Why? Why was she having these fucking dreams again? Anything but this again. _

_Well, there was always a point to these damn dreams. Something she had to do to escape it. There always was some way. Maybe she could find out. She, regrettably, just had to go find it. _

_She drifted across the black landscape trying to find the purpose. She was quick to rule out any possibility of the cult coming back. She didn't even bother thinking about that. That just begged the question: Why!? She wanted to know!_

_"Aaaaaaagh!" She screamed out in frustrated confusion, closing her mouth with her paw as she suddenly realised something._

_"I can talk." There was only one time she could do that, and she remembered it vividly._

_"Hello!? Weird cat-god thing!? You there!?" She looked around, the only sound during that moment she could hear was the immense gale flowing past. Mae was about to call out again. A breath went down her neck, causing her fur to stand up and her face to contract at the sudden feeling. She slowly turned around to see it was a teal crocodile. It was Bea._

_"Bea?" Mae was surprised. This was the first time something in the real world showed up here. And that bothered her._

_"No," She stood there regally, claws behind her back and feet close together._

_" 'No'? The hell you mean 'no' ?"_

_"To this little creature, I said that we'd not meet again." Oh. Right, here we go again._

_"Ugh, why the hell are you my girlfriend? That's weird god-thing."_

_"You know what is coming, yes?"_

_She thought about what she could say, choosing between her options, "Wha? Maybe? I dunno. Wait, why am I having these dreams again?"_

_And of course her questions were ignored, "Last time we met, I fell into the sky, and now I find myself back where I began."_

_Mae had no clue what to say, "..."_

_"So I ask you, miserable creature -"_

_"Gee, thanks."_

_"-Why am I back?"_

_"What!? What do you mean? You don't know!?" She flailed her arms around in annoyance. Where she believed answers had been, it unfortunately came as a shock that the god-thing was as blind as she was. _

_"Creature, does my form mean anything to you're life."_

_"Uh, well if you were listening, you're my girlfriend!"_

_The Bea-god remained silent, eyes soon glowing demonically white as it's pupils vanished. "Eugh, what're you doing!?" Jesus, what the hell was she witnessing. It became apparent to her that this was the culmination of her mind. The hell was wrong with her?_

_"Am I crazy?? Just tell me! What in god's name am I dreaming??" The eyes of the Bea-god faded back in as Mae took an uneasy step back._

_"Creature. Your time on this earth is coming to a close. Whether you want it or not, you're decision will be everything; the bridge between salvation and salvation."_

_" 'Salvation and salvation'??? " Mae couldn't believe what an asshole this thing was. What the fuck was she meant to do with that? Geez, this thing's as useless as her._

_"Yes."_

_"Oh, yeah? And why should I trust you? Huh!? You told me the same bullshit last time, yet here I am! Still as fucked up as ever! Am I ever going to die or what!? That's what this means, right?! Some B.S gonna run up on me like 'that'!?" She'd reached the breaking point with this asswipe as she completely lost her temper. Just seeing this thing again made her furious._

_"I am stuck here, creature. I anticipate many more visits. Goodbye." The world began to twist outwards into this one little spot beneath the Bea-god. Mae ran frantically to catch up, thinking that they haven't said enough._

_"W-Wait!"_

_***_

"Urgh,"

Mae awoke with a strenuous grunt, feeling no less tired than when she went to bed. Barely keeping her eyes open, she made no effort to move; only to crane her neck and observe the current moment. The pair hadn't managed to move at all during the night, Mae was still cradled in between the crocodile. She looked back down realising her grave mistake and wishing she'd never woken up.

"Urgh..." The dark cat uttered another noise of exhaustion, leading to the conclusion that if she hadn't, then she would still be having that dream.

God, why can't she be like everyone else and just forget her dreams as soon as she woke up. Why was she doing this to herself? She was so done with these dreams. She remembered spending every moment thinking of those dreams last time. It killed her inside. She spent countless hours losing it over a few dreams and not a single person saw that she was struggling.

Even though that dream was plaguing her mind, rummaging down the destroyed corridors of her brain and constantly reminding her how broken she was, she showed little panic. She laid there, acting casual yet aloof to contain her fleeting sanity, which she knew could be shattered at any minute. The stronger she held her brave face, the more pressure she felt crushing her chest.

Harder and harder, the crushing became more and more powerful, starting to escape her lungs in bursts of sobs. She snapped her paws onto her face and started digging her claws into her flesh in a dire attempt to keep a straight face. She gasped at the pain she was inflicting with a single tear slowly running down her eye. She was completely willing to do anything to prevent herself from breaking again. She didn't care if it put her at harm, just as long as she could stop herself from being a pathetic excuse of a person.

The pain concentrated her focus on her breathing, speeding up her recovery as she slowly rested her paws yet this was still far from over. 

She may have calmed herself down, but that didn't mean her thoughts weren’t still flying around and stirring up a storm. How completely stupid, useless and meaningless must she be if her life was rattled by a single fucking dream. It was embarrassing. It was humiliating. She couldn't understand why it took her so little for her to revert back to what a mess she was. Her face went stiff, constricting itself from any form of crying.

Then again, what even was the point? Why should she stop herself from crying? It's not as if she's spent her life doing literally anything else.

Last night popped into her troubled thinking. And the walls she constructed were demolished.

Goddamnit! It was supposed to be easier this time! She had Bea! She had people who supported her, more than she could ever wish for! She had a stable life!

But everything was repeating itself all around her. The sense of hopelessness stuffing her body, the anxiety she constantly felt at college, all of it was returning. She feared nothing more than having to go through all that crap again. She burst into quiet tears, still being mindful of her girlfriend still slumbering peacefully.

Mae had half a mind to give herself if she ever dared wake her up.

She couldn't stand it anymore. The pain. The immense pain ... everywhere. She felt her heart thumping louder and faster. Blood surging through her veins boiled. She couldn't keep still.

"Mmhmmhmm." Bea mumbled, gradually waking up from her sleep.

Mae's rage was like nothing she'd ever felt before, compelling her paw to grab onto her notched ear and viscously scratch the inside of her ear. She told herself to do one thing! Just one goddamn simple thing! Don’t wake her up! Christ, she was so fucking stupid! 

"Ow!" She truly didn't give a shit about the bleeding scratch she’d inflicted upon herself; it's what she deserves for dragging Bea into her mess so early in their day.

Her yelp accelerated Bea's senses, becoming more alert of what was happening, "Huh? What?" And the first thing she saw was her cat bawling her eyes out with a bloody right ear. Not a great start. "My God, Mae, what - what happened?"

Every drop of blood that seeped out of her, caused the blur in her vision to intensify and in a flash ...

Everything became **s h a p e s**.

Her eyes went wide and face dropped with the most frightened look since she almost died in that cave. "No. No." She slammed her eyes shut, but her feeble attempt at relief was ruined as it appeared amongst the dark. "Woah, woah, Mae! Shh, it's okay, it's okay, you're with me." Bea instinctually began to try and sedate Mae, the way she always has.

This time however, the effect seemed less powerful. The shapes continued to attack her brain forcing her to comprehend it by whimpering in agony, "Make it stop, Bea. Please, make it stop."

Nothing could break the crocodile's heart more than to see Mae, somebody who should be one of the happiest, most joyful, people she could ever know, weakened to this point. The misery and torture she looked like she was going through every time she had an episode fractured her soul a bit everytime. It's always so hard to watch. She had to think of something to help her.

Bea took on a new approach. She closed her mouth shut and, instead, chose to comfort Mae without any words. Bea held her there, tracing her claw up and down her arm to elicit a few muffled purrs. Her other claw simultaneously reaching for tissues, dabbing on her scratched ear.

It sounded like it was working; she didn't move, breathing was normal and she hugged Bea back. But her eyes. Her eyes were still wrecked with despair. Like some huge whirlpool of grief. It was the first time in a long time she'd been like this, yet every time she had an episode, every time those worn sad eyes showed any unhappiness, it made it that more difficult to handle. Of course, the teal crocodile knew the sadness she felt was nothing compared to what the dark cat must be feeling and that she'd do anything for her. That, however, didn't take away the fact that it was becoming too much.

Usually, these situations were handled by two opposing forces. One of dread and one of comfort. Now, Bea shared a similar torment as Mae as they radiated the same energy into each other.

"I'm sorry Bea. I didn't want to be like this." Mae sniffed.

Bea sighed a shaky breath, "Yeah, I know." The was an awkward pause between the both of them as the crocodile continued to stroke her fur. The pair weren't exactly sure if they should say anything more. Sunlight began to pour from the curtains and onto Mae's face, jittering her fully awake. 

"I'm gonna quit." Bea said nothing, not needing to in order to understand what she meant. Mae couldn’t help herself but sense a smidge of disappointment from her real crocodile, "I don't wanna lose you ... I just can't do that."

With shapes still dotted around her room, she finally left the bed as Bea shifted onto her side managing to catch her attention briefly before she left, "I think I'm gonna sleep in for a bit, 'kay, Maeday? I think you should too, but wake me up if you need me. Love you."

"Sure. Love you too." Mae closed the door behind her, making her way down the stairs before anything else could affect her further. God, she really couldn't be bothered to do anything.

Everything told her to climb back into bed but she had to tell her mom. The thing was, she didn't have to. There was no obligation for Mae to tell her mom. Besides, would she actually listen? Sometimes she never tried to tell anyone how she felt just because she knew there was no point. Though, she wanted to hear her reaction. Test her in some way. If Bea seemed unhappy with her decision, then how the hell was her mom gonna react?

She lazily stumbled into the kitchen, much to the wonder of Candy, "Oh! You're up early." She put her book down flat on the table.

"Mae, honey, are you okay? What happened to your ear?" Candy caught wind of her daughter's sour expression as she sat herself on the counter.

"I need to tell you something."

"Okay? What is it?"

"I ... um ... uh ... ugh, geez how do I put it?"

"Well, what ever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad."

"Just ... don't get mad, okay? I lost my job."

"What?" It sounded more like confusion, which was nice to hear, but the pain and guilt still lingered on. "Did you get fired?" The tone became more accusatory just like that. It hurt her, hearing her mothers first thought was that she got fired.

"No, I quit." She delivered bluntly.

"What? Why?"

"Felt like I couldn't be there anymore."

"You always say things like that but I can never fully tell what you mean."

"I-It's-I- Ugh, can we talk about this later?" The conviction she had to talk with her mom vanished, instantly figuring out where this conversation was heading.

"No, no. I'm not having this again, okay Mae? Don't push me away like that. Just talk to me." Yup too late.

"Why would you give up a perfectly stable job for no reason what-so-ever?"

The way she said 'no reason' just pissed her off. She didn't even try to conceal her disappointment. It's like she doesn't remember last year in the slightest! She doesn't need to go over the reasons she could have, they're obvious! Cause she's goddamn broken and dysfunctional! Why couldn't she see this?

"I just did, okay!? They gave me something I couldn't handle."

"Mae, you work as a caterer. What could they possibly give to you that you couldn't handle?"

Candy meant to sound motivating but it clearly came off as highly patronising. Mae, on-the-other-hand, couldn't believe what she just said. Is she being serious?? Why is she assuming that the work itself is the problem? Did she not care? Did people just not care? Sure as hell always seemed like it.

"It wasn't the work, Mom. They were gonna transfer me to Pittsburgh cause they couldn't afford my wages here."

"Why didn't you take it?" Confusion morphed itself into frustrated disappointment. Seeing her Mom so completely blind was baffling her. It was like a solid 'screw-you' punch to the face. All Mae wanted was for her mom to at least acknowledge the fact that she was struggling; thats all she needed.

"Because I don’t wanna live in goddamn Pittsburgh! I can't live anywhere else! I told you how lonely it was at college! I felt like complete shit! What makes you think I can handle living on my own in a whole city?"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, hun. College and the real world are two different things. I'm sure living in a city would be much nicer than college." Was she being for real!?

"Mom! I'm telling you - uuugh." A mixture of pain, guilt and abandonment swished around in her. How could she be so dismissive of Mae? Jesus, she hated her life. 

Candy took a deep breath and let it out slowly, visibly cooling herself off, "Well, what's happened has happened. Nothing you can do now." She stuck her head back into her book. The dark cat stared at her in horror. Mae refused to accept _that_ was the advice she was given. She sat there, paws together, gazing to the floor in deep thought. 

Now that she thought about it. Everyone she's known has made nothing of her apparent problems at least once before. And maybe that's her fault. Her fault not even her own mother cares if she tried, and failed, to open up. Why else would people just blatantly ignore her. Most people have made it clear that they hated her ... including Bea ... Jesus, sometimes she even hates herself.

She now realized that all the progress, all the progress Bea kept on saying she was making was being destroyed. With how hopeless she was right now, had she even changed at all?

Were they lying just to keep her happy? Has these past months all just been one big fucking lie?

God, why?

For once, can something go right? She wanted to say that it could still go right, but she was struggling to actually believe that now.

She leapt off the counter onto her feet, eyes puffy and red, trudging back up the stairs wishing that somehow, someway, this all would finally end.


	5. The Spire's Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 29th March 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaaack! I’m rushing through these so hard; I’ll edit the whole thing when I’m done.

_”I’m trying to hold on!”_

_Mae stood there screaming into the vast darkness, endlessly seeming to beg for that thing to make it’s appearance._

_”Speak to me!”_

_Nothing happened. Again. She just stood above nothing as she had for what felt like hours, partially hunched over due to the aching of her chest._

_”What? Am I not worth the trouble to you too!? Is that it, huh?”_

_She melancholically chuckled at herself, wallowing in the fact that hardly anyone cares about her, “Yeah? Well join the fucking club!” _

_Under the guise of her sad laughter, a few sobs managed to sneak in forcing her to breath deeply and gaze her eyes up into what she presumed was the sky. She was wrong though, people must've cared for her. As she gazed, she finally heard the voice she sought when she came here._

_”You, little creature, are as much my trouble as you are your own.”_

_”Christ,” Her voice cracked, “About time you showed up.”_

_The sand dunes rose on the horizon, dust swirling and transforming into the cat-god._

_”Others in your life does not seem to share my opinion.” Once more, the cat-god seemed as if it was the only entity present, acting as if she was the thought in it's head. She scoffed at herself failing to know how this usually goes now. As if one visit was bad enough, she was having these constantly whenever she even as much as closed her damn eyes. It was soul-sucking. Coming back every time and seeing that thing was draining her. _

_"I can not fathom this creature's affinity for these people."_

_"My what?"_

_"Why does this creature possess such an incessant need for them?"_

_"Is that all you do? Just shit on my life?" There was no response. "I just do, okay..." Her answer wavered unconfidently_

_"Yet, tell me, what are they doing right now?" That question itself was enough for Mae to construct a set of her own leading to a sombre set of answers. Gregg and Angus were abandoning her. Her mother doesn't care what she did in her life, everyone in town probably hates her and no matter how hard she tried, sometimes, all she could feel was her loneliness._

_"Leaving..." She reluctantly said._

_"I sense more within you, creature." His tone was stern, as if he was angry?_

_The words formulated in her brain but hanged loosely on the edge of her tongue. The more she refused to admit it, the more her head swirled with the growing realisation that she was probably true, " And I feel like they don't care about me sometimes, that I'm not worth being their burden all the time ... and those who do show care aren't genuine. And I can't get rid of this lonely feeling, no matter how fucking hard I try." Her frustration, fury and exasperation for the world she was forced into slowly rose to an intense boil as she spoke. Blood rushed through her. Her fists clenched. Her face scrunched. Her head began to throb. Her throat was building up power._

_"**And I'm tired of trying!**"_

***

"Dude? Are you asleep?"

Paws were subtly shaking her shoulders, coaxing her from her, although untellable, intense <strike>nightmare</strike> dream, "Wha? Hmmn, wha? What happened?"

She found herself near the side of the pathway, on some brick stairs, with a box that had clearly been spilled from her paws, "Oh shit! I'm so sorry, shit..." She hastily scrambled to her feet, blood rushing to her head, darkening her vision and throwing her head about as she stumbled, barely getting caught by Gregg, "Dude, thats like the third time you've fallen asleep. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I didn't mean to - God I hope nothing broke." Mae, seemingly ignorant of the fox's concern, wriggled from Gregg's support and went for the box, checking the contents for any survivors.

"Mae, forget the box, it's fine, it's just pillows and stuff in there." The door behind them swung open, the two figures walking through instantly noticing the situation in front of them.

"Whoa, what's going on?" Angus enquired.

"She fell asleep again; Mae I really think you need to rest, we can get the rest of the boxes."

"No!" Her abrupt response caught the unwanted attention of everyone as they looked towards the tense cat. "Um, I mean, uh, I can still help. Please let me do this for you one last time." Bea squeezed between the two guys with the same concern exerting from her face she had for the past days now. She knelt down and placed her claws underneath her, lifting her back to her feet whilst making sure to clear any brick-dust with a gentle swipe of her face.

"Mae, please, you gotta tell me if you're not okay." Bea privatised the words spoken between them, containing them within their intimacy by holding her close. It was only inside this bubble Bea created did she realise how worn out Mae looked; the bags under her eyes were becoming more than pronounced and deep within her, she sensed so much brewing just with a simple look.

Mae let her gaze wonder from end to end of her restricted view, eyes darting around, mouthing hanging open, all in an effort not to cause any worry. She didn't want anyone to worry about her. It's been so many months, how the hell were people still worrying about her? How was she still such a goddamn burden? Why does she have to fail at everything? God, she hated this. She was sick of being that burden everyone worries about. It was all getting tiresome. All the effort to keep her going, to keep her happy, to keep her from turning insane or something, to keep her life in check. She just felt totally finished with all this baggage she constantly carried. There was nothing left in her. No will. No determination. Nothing. Just some fleeting hope escaping alongside Gregg and Angus.

"I'm just ... tired." Bea continued to look sullenly at her clearly damaged cat before pulling her into a wistful hug.

Mae, however, did not move, letting her arms dangle. She produced a quiet sniffle towards the end.

Bea drove herself back, "Why don't you stay here and put these boxes in the car? The rest of us will get the remaining boxes, 'kay?"

" 'Kay..." Mae wiped her nose quickly, failing to hide any tells as she turned around to grab a box and lug it towards the open car. Once she had place it in carefully she looked back and, of course, they were gone. Dejectedly, she walked back to the steps, placing herself down and resting here head in her paws.

She didn't understand anything in her life anymore. Before all this shit started up **again**, some things were clear. Not all of it, but some. And that comforted her. She felt like she was actually going somewhere nice for once. A stable job, someone she loved, friends she visited everyday, a home. Then ... it all just fell apart. It all crumbled so fast. Now she has none of those things. Her job was taken away from her, she realises how she isn't fit to be in any sort of a relationship in her state, those friends were leaving her and she could never truly belong anywhere. She was left with nothing. And she feels like nothing.

A cough broke free from the weak constraints of her throat she had placed in order to keep it together. But then again she just doesn't care what happens to her anymore. Because no matter what, it just gets worse. Life has proven that to her now. Sure, it took a very long fucking time, but life has hammered her one too many times for her to forget that now.

Her eyes swelled for the incoming, of the most recent, wave of tears starting to form. Her paws clutched her eyes tighter. She was so pitiful ... God, she ... really hated herself.

Upon that thought came the final breakdown. Every insignificant pathway and corridor in her head was obliterated; the only signal being carried was the one forcing her to surge more tears from her disgusting face. 

"Mae," 

Oh great. She just had to get caught in the middle of her self-pity-fest. Jesus, it really is like nothing will ever go her way.

The dark cat did not lift her head, but as soon has the arm was put around her, she could tell it was the teal crocodile who had wasted countless months taking care of a lost cause.

"Whatever it is you're thinking, you need to talk to me. I won't judge you; you know I'd never. I love you, Maeday. Whatever you tell me, I'll understand."

After a few moments of contemplating, she swivelled her head round and saw Gregg and Angus. If they left, that would truly kill any remaining hope. She had to convince them to stay; it was the only way. She peered up at them, nothing but emptiness in her hurting soul.

"Please stay. Please, you have no idea how much I need you guys right now." Gregg and Angus stood there dumbfounded at her last ditch attempt for something to fight for. The look on their faces already told her their answer but, then again, they did not want to say. They only traded glares, silently fighting who was going to crush the dark cat. As their muted battle raged on, Mae's waterworks went into overdrive, squeezing out another pathetic plea, "Please..."

Bea joined the battle, knowing that their reluctance to talk was only affecting her more than any answer either of them could give. She stared hard at Angus; a sign she trusted him more to get the message across to her girlfriend best. "Um, Mae ... Geez, um. You know we can't do that. We would, definitely! But we can't stay here, not even for another night. We've already left it too late ... I'm sorry."

And just like everything else she ever tried to do in her entire, meaningless, miserable and regret-filled life, she had failed. Her last try of clinging onto something worth living for was going to disappear and have an ultimately better life than she couldn't ever think of having. Her initial shock of Angus' response rendered her mouth to lay open, before she slowly closed it as she understood his reasoning. She wouldn't want to stay another night with herself as well.

She took a deep breath, regaining a smidge of composure, "Okay..."

"Hey, Cap'n, pass me that last box." 

Angus moved past Mae managing to say, "Sorry," on the way through. The dark cat, however, failed to move yet again, staying rooted to the spot, her only movements came when Bea guided her with her claw down the steps and prepare for the sendoff. The back door was slammed shut by the larger of the pair and they came round the car. 

"So, I guess this is it," Angus began,

"Yeah..." Mae murmured. The whole situation was turned sour and Mae knew it was all her doing. She wished she could just do at least one thing right in her - ugh screw it, she didn't care.

"Hey dude," Gregg enveloped his best friend into a nice hug, "I really am gonna miss you," It was a little weird hearing Gregg getting all sappy, but she guessed she could've appreciated it.

"And it's too bad you didn't fall asleep and trip on the stairs." The fox initiated yet another round of their classic 'Too-Bad' mini game. Mae couldn't help herself but produce a bleak smile upon remembering those old memories. She guessed she still had those to look back on, but she knew being stuck in the past wasn't gonna get her anywhere. The sad thing is that's the only thing she could really do anymore, and with that, her smile faded into her previous glum look. " I'm gonna miss you too, Gregg. And you Angus. Really, I'm so happy for you guys. I'm sorry if you didn't feel I got to know you enough."

"Oh, no, I'm grateful for the time we spent."

"And I'm sorry I asked you to stay; that was selfish of me. You deserve to go off and enjoy yourselves."

"Dude, don't apologise. You're clearly going through something and we're sorry we can't be here for you." Gregg walked up to her, placing a paw on her shoulder in solidarity. But if she was being honest with herself, they probably wouldn't have made a difference. Mae continued to plummet further down the rabbit hole that she didn't hear what Bea was saying to the guys. She only saw Gregg whispering into the crocodile's ear, "You're gonna look out for her right?"

"Course, Gregg, you have my word." She exchanged a more casual hug with the fox as they both entered the car as it whirred. Both Mae and Bea stood there waving the car driving off with Gregg leaning out the window shouting unintelligibly before being pulled back into the safety of the vehicle by Angus. 

Mae watched the last remnants of the life she lived slip from her. Everything she had feared was invading her reality way too soon. She just **couldn't **get over the fact that everything, literally everything, was meant to be better. She was meant to be better. She wasn't meant to be feeling like this anymore. She was meant to have made at least some fucking progress. But she didn't. Not at all! And it was nobody's fault but hers. She lost her job. She ruined her relationship with Bea, even if she doesn't know, and she knew that in some way Gregg and Angus were gone because of her. She would consider herself delusional if she didn't.

Then that pain panged sharply at her chest. The hurt she couldn't bear. God, it was ripping her apart. She couldn't stand it anymore! 

She turned back around and headed into the building silently crying to herself and ignoring Bea's muffled voice as she began to wall of her brain that was slowly killing her with the return of that damn vengeful pain. 

A pain she was just tired of fighting.


	6. Is There Anything in Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 31st March 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one this time. Don't feel as if it should be longer.

_It was eerie._

_Darkness enveloped her._

_Needles were burrowing through her skull._

_"Hello?"_

_Her words echoed silently as she floated aimlessly._

_A crushing weight forcing her lower and lower._

_"... Are you here?"_

_It was only the sound of her voice that answered bouncing around._

_She shivered._

_Everything seemed off._

_Plummeting deeper; she fell into the depths._

_She had this feeling once before. A glimmer burned among the black vista. _

_Something was eluding her._

_Clawing past these depths, she looked onto herself. The shame pierced her vanished mercy._

_Was there anything in here?_

_*** _

Torment. That's all anything was anymore. Every second she was constantly being hammered into shattered and broken pieces. No amount of head-clenching or sleep would stop that. Despite this, she did manage to find a momentary lapse of pain in lying excruciatingly still.

The only question that remained was: How did she allow this to happen? She should've expected as much from herself but that could not stop all of this from perplexing her.

She just wanted to know why! Why!? Her mind cast her back through the stacking months and, what felt like, countless years of her stupid life; everything thats happened. All the 'hardships' she didn't feel she had the right to call them and everything thats come and gone. Casey, Gregg, Angus, Bea, her parents, college, this goddamn town.

She realised something she should've the second she bashed that kid with the bat. Nothing's gonna change her world. This was all she's ever going to be confined in. All she ever really knew. All the small amounts of happiness she experienced were nothing but insignificant blips scattered amongst a reality of hopelessness and numbness.

A never-ending sad miserable life of an unstable degenerate; a threat, a disappointment, a failure and a loner to all she knew.

"Ugh, shit..." She coughed up yet another sob with her voice breaking, bringing her paws to latch to her eyes. "I'm such an idiot."

She rolled over onto her side and immediately regretted her decision with a piercing throb of her head; like it was being deep fried. It was so sudden; no warning at all. Her paws quickly went to rub her forehead, feeling the beads of sweat already dampening her fur. She shivered, causing her to snap up. She took a deep breath, "Just get a grip," 

Mae knew what was coming. She's felt this kind of heat and pressure on her eyes before. She knew what it meant.

She didn't want to go through this again.

Through her panic and rushing thoughts to calm her, her breathing slowly became more and more rapid, "Nonononononono! C'mon, goddamnit!" It was them.

Those shapes.

Her face automatically tensed in immense fear and yanked a pillow to shield her face, "No! Just leave me alone! Please leave me alone!" Mae wailed into the pillow, her muffled screams vibrating onto her skin. A searing hot poker was placed in her ears, the noise unbearably echoing past them. She had to stop this. This had to stop!

She flew out the futon and began hobbling towards her bathroom, her ears bent back in a feeble attempt to reduce the sound booming in her head as she flopped in front of the sink, desperately trying to remember where the hell she hid all the medicines as she fumbled around. Opening and reaching deep into the cabinet she grabbed a familiar shape around her paw and pulled it out.

Her brain was so clouded in despair that she didn't realise how wrong this all was.

One look at the bottle reminded her of that as she forced herself to let it smash onto the floor from her paw. "Shit!" Large shards littered everywhere and purple goop surrounding it all. 

Mae backed up to the wall, sliding down it in guilt and embarrassment as she cried. She promised she wouldn't ever do that again!

But as she resisted, her head was compressed further and her brain was cracking under the intense pressure of plummeting into this pit; just falling and falling forever. There was this fragile point in her soul she knew had never been tested but as the pain rose beyond anything she'd ever coped, that point was obliterated.

The destruction of her last defence stranded her in a state of pure despair. Mae levelled herself onto the floor, just sobbing so damn uncontrollably that her tears blended with the medicine splattered on the ground.

The one word that raced through her mind was a plain and simple: _sorry... _

Over and over again: _sorry i couldn't do it right, sorry i ever loved you, sorry you tried to help me, sorry that you thought having me was a good idea, sorry ive hurt so many people..._

She lifted her eyelids to lay her vision upon the mess she'd made. She reached out, pushing through the twisting pain in her chest, and grabbed a single shard, bringing it up to her face. Rolling the shard over in her paw without a flinch, she revealed a small line of red oozing amongst the black fur on her paw. 

It was her blood.

Her eyes flickered and dilated upon the sight and all the aching in her body concentrated into this one spot on her paw, leaking out of her...

Slightly distracted by the incessant pinging of her phone, she drowned out the noise.

She's couldn't help but blame herself as the sole reason for so much regret and pain in others lives. Her parents, Gregg's relationship, Bea's life. Everyone she cared about ...

Except herself.

She grasped onto the glass tighter, ultimately to give herself the harsh justice she had deserved for the entire life she's lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A comment would be greatly appreciated; I need all the help I can get to stay on top of the story.


	7. Waiting for the Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1st April 2018

The day was, for the most part ... normal.

Guy walks in, asks for something, pays and leaves. This cycle repeating every hour and a half or so; way slower than usual, although that was no surprise to Bea considering it was Easter Sunday. She could just distinguish the muffled echoes of the choir softly resonating from the church. Bea couldn't help but think it was sorta sad that they were that desperate to keep the 'Pickaxe open during Easter.

Bea stood behind the counter as she did everyday, leaning over and resting her head against it in order to try and let the day waste before her. Dust was starting to settle on the sleeves on her arms when she finally felt her leg buzz accompanied with a ping. She was instantly standing up straight, digging her claws into her pockets to rip her phone out. 

It was from her Dad. 

"Ugh," 

She lazily threw the phone onto the counter as she rubbed her face. She was really sure it was gonna be her this time. But the hours kept ticking away; not a single word from Mae.  
  
That damned cat.

The distressed crocodile faulted back to her previous position, clenching onto her face. She couldn't stop thinking about her. Worrying about her. She got that she maybe needed her space, she got that completely, but ... What if ...

What if something happened to her?

Why the hell won't she reply to me?

What if she's having these demon stuff again?

Maybe check the mine again??

Maybe she's down there???

With Mae as the concern, Bea could just keep on theorising what could've happened to her. Maybe there wasn't even anything wrong. Bea could be purely overreacting. Or she could be totally right.

**That** night when she stumbled into her bathroom...

She's tried to save face in front of Mae, but the crocodile couldn't get that image out of her head. Nor could she rid of that shock she felt all those months ago. The feeling of protecting such a broken soul in her grasp from, what could've been, the end. They've never left her. She may not have shown it, but they never did. Never left Mae either. Bea should've known better than to think either of them could just, forget all of it. Bea guessed that, after everything: Her mother, father, solely keeping the fraction of her family she had left together and then all that 'cult' shit, she guessed that, somehow, she could keep a hold onto Mae and, who knows, maybe spend a nice chunk of their lives together. God clearly didn't approve of her plan. 

Bea raised her head from her arms and quickly breathed out and started pacing the room. Back and forth.

"Calm, Bea, just stay calm."

She strolled into the back room, opened a small fridge, got a small bottle fo water and took a few sips. There was this repressed feeling she had in the back of her mind as the cold water rushed down her throat. What she would give to have a smoke right now.

"Everything's fine. You can easily go to her house and check up on her. No need to panic."

After closing the fridge, she walked back out and saw that she just blatantly ignored her Dad. She picked it up to read: "No need to stay at the pickaxe just close it and come home." A small, yet genuine, smile grew on her face. At least Bea could positively say that her Dad was getting better and moving on. 

Bea, with her phone still in her claw, made her way out of the rustic store, not forgetting to lock the doors and turn the sign over. Entering the quietly howling streets of Possum Springs, she walked off whilst managing to send another text to Mae, hoping to get something back; waiting for the call.


	8. The Spire's End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2nd April 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -TRIGGER WARNING- If you are sensitive to the content I’m creating, please leave now. TAGS HAVE BEEN UPDATED.
> 
> I would like to thank those who have shown me their understanding and support. It means a lot to me and has definitely lifted some stress from my shoulders, so once again, thank you. 
> 
> -EcR-

After walking for what felt like forever, the only thing she could remember thinking was how cold it was. Colder than any normal spring day should be. On the final steps towards that house with the red star, she had finally given notice to the silent snowflakes sparsely scattering. Not even a single breeze could be heard. Nobody out in the streets. No cars. Nothing. Just silence. Not a sound. It unsettled Bea more than she'd allow herself to realise.

From the claws already stationed in her jacket, she checked her phone one last time and, of course, nothing. With an anxious sigh, Bea fabricated some brittle courage and approached Mae's home and knocked on the door. She could hear the muffled footsteps make their way closer until, 

"Oh, Bea?"

She raised a nervy claw and gave a small wave, "Hey Candy, is Mae home?"

The larger cat's expressed wavered for a bit, "She's upstairs, -" Bea couldn't manage to put the words she quickly held under her breath together, "- But nevermind that, why don't you come inside, dear? You look freezing." After the unseemingly uncharacteristic frustration from Candy, the crocodile gingerly entered the home as the door was shut behind her.

As she looked around the house, it became instantly clear how different the atmosphere was; like the dynamics had shifted immensely. Everything looked, dusty, run down or as if nobody cared for the house anymore. It didn't have that vibrant feel to it anymore. It felt weird.

"So, how's the 'Pickaxe been? Your father doing any better?" Candy asked as she came round from behind Bea, placing herself onto the couch. Despite the apparent gloominess, it was still nice to finally talk to someone else other than her Dad. " 'Pickaxe has been getting better but it's been a bit slow because of Eas - oh, happy Easter by the way." She didn't mean to, but she said it without much enthusiasm.

Candy solemnly smiled, at least trying to appreciate the sentiment "You too, Bea."

Bea continued where she left off, "Right, so, the 'Pickaxe has been fine. Dad's gotten a lot better."

"That's nice to hear.”

Bea shifted fairly uncomfortably on the spot, fiddling and intertwining her claws together. She looked around again in this pause she found herself in, noticing another thing that was out of place, another absence.

”Is Stan not home for Easter?“

The elder cat’s face fell fully, abandoning the front she’d constructed only mere moments ago. She peered down in a sadness that Bea has never seen on her. And it truly was a disturbing sight. More and more did the teal crocodile begin to wonder what the hell was happening with this family. It was like some unjust karma God was placing; the better her family got, the worst Mae’s family got. 

Candy sighed, “Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone in this town, but money’s been tight lately. That and I’m sure Mae’s told you about the house.”

Bea hummed, signaling she was on the same page.

”So Stan’s been working outside of town for around a month now.”

Bea adopted a more empathetic look, knowing exactly what it was like to live near bankruptcy. Candy, clearly not coping well, let her head fall into her paws, “Jesus, it’s been really difficult without him.”   
  
Bea could only watch a, usually composed, woman struggle in her situation for the first time. Her mouth quavered as if they wanted to say more but her body jerked slightly, stopping her voice in her throat. Yet another pause was placed in between them.

“And Mae...”

Bea immediately perked up and raised her attention ten fold, uncrossing her legs and leaning a tad bit forward. The anticipation was killing her. But instead of actually talking she, once again, held her word under her breath, sighing, again, afterwards.

”... She’s okay, right?” Bea may have laced her voice with a smidge of impatience unknowingly, but it looked like Candy took it well. Bea guessed she understood where she was coming from.

”I’m really not that sure anymore.”

Alarms sounded in Bea’s head immediately, her entire thought process raising caution levels, like some 50s movie going into DEFCON 1; scrambling in order to prepare for their final fight. That was exactly what Bea had feared to hear. Feared on her way here. Feared the moment she made that promise to her fragile, dark cat.

”What? What do you mean?” She quickly cut herself off before she could say: You’re her mother! It would’ve been a little too touchy but, nevertheless, it baffled Bea that this was unfolding in front of her. Never could she have imagined in the slightest that Mae’s home could break, let alone even have the smallest crack on it. Guessed she didn’t know everything.

”It’s like she doesn’t want to do anything anymore. She just stays up there and, for the life of me, I can’t find it in myself to go in there. She tells me she goes out every now and then to see you-”

”What?” The lie was detected without even a second of hesitation. The alarmed state of the crocodile’s mind succeeded the comparably minuscule and insignificant scale of something so meaningless as DEFCON 1. Anxiety, worry, fear. All these thing’s rushed all throughout her body in such a short space of time, slightly overwhelming her.

Candy continued anyways despite Bea’s rude interception, ”She couldn’t even be bothered to find another job to help out an-“

Bea interrupted her again, now knowing there were more pressing matters she had to dig into as she waved of the current conversation coming out of Candy’s mouth, “ Wait, wait, wait, wait, I haven’t seen her in days, maybe even a week...”

The elder cat seemed as if she’s finally ran out of words to exchange, but she could offer a puzzled look and another awkward pause of silence. Bea’s gaze intensified and quickly averted to the stairs and then back to Candy.

”It was nice to talk to you again.”   
  
Bea lifted herself from the couch and proceeded to briskly head up the stairs, the door to the attic slowly rising into her view as she reached out for the handle. Having nothing but concern for Mae.

***

Emptiness. Mae discovered it was the only emotion she’d ever really connected with. Just the painful feeling of pure nothingness inside her. She’s naively mistaken it for anger, maybe even sadness the whole of her life. Now she was certain that she’d always been an empty worthless shell that’s been slowly chipped away into the fucked up life she’s lived. Certain it would be the last thing she felt in her life. Everything she’s done has meant nothing. Every relationship she’d made meant nothing to her anymore. Every breath, a waste. Lying in her futon still; isolated from the world. It was like she was back ... back ... ba-

She coughed out a small cough, any energy she had left was dissipating and rotting away.

It was like she was back ... in college. A cruel reenactment of how shit she felt. And another final fucking reminder that she had genuinely gotten nowhere since _that _night. Hell, since that softball game. A callous prophecy and mirror of the future no doubt. A future she was adamant of living in. Time and time again, day after day she is shown by none other than God themself that this was her horrid life.  
  
Tears fell of the side of her dormant and blank face. She looked at the circular stain form beneath her eyes. Christ, she was such a joke. A joke for God, fuck it, even Lucifer to have a laugh at. An endless feat of the most fucked-up of entertainment.   
  


It hurt her that she was still breathing, accepting her fate as the butt of all jokes God had clearly made her. Why give them that kind of satisfaction? Surely it would be better to just end it now than to continue being ridiculed by the thing she’d worshiped her whole life. It was humiliating and downright tragic.  
  


Her ears twitched as the door of the house was opened and voices were communing. Upon hearing one of these voices, her face involuntarily scrunched up and tears fell accompanied with her pathetic whimpers, “Why are you here?” She rolled over so her face was hidden; smothered behind a pillow and entering a world of pure darkness as she latched onto the sheets. A feeble attempt at control.

She heard them; what they were saying. Her mom was right. Mae was right too. Nice to know her mom thinks she’s a failure and a disappointment too. Real fucking nice to hear.   
  


Her stomach began to ache, clenching in as she brought her legs into a fetal position. 

Then Mae heard something that shouldn’t have been said to Bea. “What?”

Jesus Christ, it really was all over for her now. The tears ran harder to soak the pillow as she swallowed on nothing and decided there was nothing she could do. As always. Why does it always hurt? Being a horrible person? She knows she shouldn’t ever lie to Bea, the only person that can help her, yet she lied to her anyways. She obviously knew why though. It’s because she just is a shit person undeserving of something so precious such as life. The stairs were being banged the the feet of an undoubtedly pissed off crocodile.

”No, no, no, no, please. I don’t want to...” Every word she spat out painfully sucked a piece of her void of a soul.

The door clicked open and Bea cautiously walked through, peering around; first at the bathroom door, then at the futon. It was eerie up here. The weak sobs of her dark cat could be heard from the blanket she took shelter in. Bea moved steadily towards the futon, observing the area for the best place to sit down, somewhere not to forward but, by no means, distant. The crocodile settled fairly close to the dark cat but only off on the edge of the futon.

”Hey Maeday...” 

The teal crocodile wasn’t really expecting an answer so it was no shock when all she could hear from Mae was just her continuous sobs. Bea’s face turned sullen as she saw all the little tremors of the small mound on the futon intensify as she spoke.   
  


Mae on the other hand was drowning in the guilt she’s harbored the day Bea came back into her life. She was just so goddamn sorry that Bea had to handle all of her crap. Bea had a choice to help Mae and she did. Why? Why the hell would she do that to herself? Why the hell would Bea ever bother with her. Surely it’s reached the point where enough was enough. It amazed Mae that they’re even in a relationship. Mae just wanted to tell her that it was no use anymore. That no amount of help was any good for Mae. Or Bea.   
  


“Mae, I’m worried about you. I know you’ve been ignoring me but ... I just want you to be okay.” Bea laid her thoughts on Mae as carefully as she could. And of course, to no avail.

”...Please talk to me.” The ache in her voice was killing Mae. The guilt. It was ripping her apart. It was agonizing. She couldn’t bare it anymore; it had to stop. She didn’t care how. Anything to end this already, anything to end her twenty years of suffering. 

A cloaked and quiet voice emitted from the futon, “I don’t want to drag you into this Bea-Bea.”

” But that’s what I’m here for. I’m here for you to drag me. You know this, don’t you?”

It was too much to fucking endure anymore. Everywhere in her body, her brain was melting, stomach was about to throw up. It was hell, just the purest form off hell she could think off. All she could ponder was how the hell she got here? She had every chance to make it in this world but she’d screwed it up. Not only that, but she’s screwed it for so many others. If only she hadn’t existed, if only she’d never been brought into this world ... if only she was dead; buried and forgotten by everyone. God only knows how much better the lives of everyone would be if she was gone. Nothing can make her want that more than the reactions, she poised in her mind, of those if she did.   
  


“Yeah, Bea, I know.” It wasn’t genuine or convincing, but if there was anything the dark cat was actually good at, it was pretending to be okay. But even then, as soon as Bea joined her along side in the futon, her world just crashed and burned with a fury of sadness and torment streaming down her face as she exploded. Bea was stroking her head so lovingly, yet she didn’t want any of this. She didn’t want Bea to show any affection for her, nor to be taken care of. She’d battled these thoughts for too long and now she’s truly and finally realized that she isn’t deserving of this. Not in the slightest. She has hated every stupid little thing about herself for so long; her incapability to do anything right, the lies she’s spouted, her instability to even how she looks. She just fucking hated all of it. She didn’t want to wallow on her futon anymore; as if she could stop anyways, she didn’t want to be here anymore. She’s never been okay. The only thing she was grateful for in this moment, was that there were no shapes anywhere.  
  


“Ssh, Maeday. I’m here.”

Ugh that nickname. She couldn’t bare to hear it. It made no sense how she could ever earn such an endearing name. It only made her want to cry more. It only made her want to do something about it.   
  


“I’m okay, Bea.” Another lie.

”No you’re not Mae, I know you’re not. Please don’t avoid me, I want to help you.”

But she didn’t want help, she’s given up in trying to find help; it was fucking pointless! Why couldn’t anyone but herself see this? There was no way Mae was going to persuade Bea to leave, but she had to! She needed to relieve herself, no matter how extreme, she just needed to.

”Plea- Please, Bea, really, I’m fine.” A slither of anger this time. Fuck she felt like such a piece of total shit.

Reluctantly, Bea unwillingly got up and abandoned the shield she put around the dark cat, facing away from Mae to hide her claw wiping away at a rouge tear. It wasn’t as if Mae didn’t notice. The sight killed her inside. Absolutely and utterly destroyed, shattered, obliterated any resolve she might’ve had. It was now certain, more than ever, that she did not deserve to be breathing at all.

Bea coughed, clearing her throat before speaking, “Could you at least keep your phone on and text me later? Promise?”

Mae rolled over onto her other side to see Bea, “Okay ... I promise.” Lies, just all fucking lies.

Mae watched her leave and close the door behind her, and as she did, it dawned on her what the hell she had just done. Letting her fatigued guard down she allowed herself to release herself in a heated sob, burning her eyes. Was it it just natural for her to shit on those she loves? Why the hell is she like this?

The world promptly began to change everything being bent and manipulated by her own brain into _shapes_. She latched into her head, biting on her tongue to prevent her anguished screams. The automatic response Mae developed for this situation kicked in as she rushed out of the futon and into the bathroom; observing the tools at her disposal: She’d ran out of syrup as she tossed the bottle aside, these pills had never done her any good anyways. Her head swiveled back and forth looking for anything that can relieve this throbbing and excruciating pain.

Something shined brightly on the floor. She looked down to where the light had come from to see a small red-stained glass shard. From the bottle she broke.

Still shedding tears down her face, she gingerly knelt down and laid against the wall besides the shard, letting her legs out freely.   
  
Her eyes were fixated on the shard, occasionally glancing back to her right paw, still bearing the scabbing from that same shard.

She reached out for it, softly holding it between digits. She raised her left arm to rest across her lap. The distance between paw and arm tantalizingly closed until ... she hovered right above the black fur. To Mae, there wasn’t any reason to stop, her mind gave no thoughts to contradict her actions, just the incessant agony it provided for her everyday. Yet there it was, still, just subtly shaking, maybe slicing off a bit of fur. Her mind forced a sudden quick relapse of everything that’s happened since the cult.

And the shard pushed down on her skin, pressing it and deforming it until ... “Ah!” the skin shot back up whilst the shard stayed the same, embedded inside her arm. She pushed her head up, eyes crammed shut as she breathed heavily, in and out. The longer the shard remained suspended in her arm, the faster it took her to realize she was feeling something again, other than feeling this emptiness. It was like she was releasing all her woes out this small wound. She wondered what would happen if it got larger. A small stream of blood trickled down her fur dripping inconsistently off her elbow. She pulled the shard towards herself, letting it glide across the skin and grunting and she did, head still pushed back. Abruptly she pulled the shard out and placed it on the floor beside her, tiny splatters of blood surrounding the tip. As her breathing labored, she looked at the slighter thicker, but gentle, flow of red, completely mesmerized by the pain leaking out of her. Only to be replaced by another wave of emptiness. That relieve she felt was unlike any other thing she’d ever tried before. She clenched her teeth and too a sharp breath through the gaps and looked back down onto the shard with her red and puffy eyes ....

And picked it back up again.


	9. Nobody Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4th April 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, that's this done. Only two more to go. 
> 
> Many Thanks, as always,
> 
> -EcR-

There was once a time in Mae's life where she wondered how someone could be pushed so far to the edge. A time where she lived in an ignorant bliss. Her problems, insignificant to such a young mind. A time where she refused to acknowledge how messed up everything in her world really was. When worrying about stuff in general wasn't a thing she concerned herself with, even when she probably should've. Now, she completely understood. She understood how someone could easily get sick of just living. She understood why you can't simply just make things better. She understood the desire to close her eyes and never open them again; that living was easier with eyes closed. Heh, so damn ironic.

Despite the compelling feeling constantly drenching her mind, all she could do was stand blankly at the doorway, peering inside. Noticing the small red triangles across the floor. They stared at her. Thin mosaics of red shapes rolling past the space in front of her. It really was all coming down onto her. Yet, her face didn't waver, showing no signs of actual distress. Just her dead expression mirroring how she felt. Even then, she still didn't feel real anymore. These distorted shapes leaking out of her arm, were they even real? If it wasn't real, then should it matter? Should it matter if if she feels dead? The non existent nature she's branded herself with pulsed within her.

Of course not.

Throughout the years, it has become painfully obvious that she'd truly mattered to nothing. The pretence, everyone showed her, that she'd been fooled by, had finally been exposed. 

A slither of the evening light seeped through the curtain as it shone beside her leg. She looked down, swiftly swivelling her head round to the origin of the light. There was this one final obstacle she had to tear down. Mae found herself slowly gravitating towards the window, holding the cold handle in her paw. The strength of this barrier kept changing all the time. The dark cat rotated her wrist, releasing the vacuum of the window and applying whatever minuscule amount of strength she had left to get it open. Sometimes, the barrier was a formidable force; unyielding in it's defence against Mae's final resolve. She climbed out, the crisp air attacking her open wounds immediately as she was quick to latch onto her arm. Other times, the barrier would always be one tiny blow from utter destruction. Mae sat herself down onto the slope of the tilled roof, watching the orange sun set in the distance. That fucking barrier always managed to regain full capability; as if thats what it wanted. A form of sadistic torture keeping Mae locked in a permanent state of purgatory.

Mae continued to admire the seemingly small orange blob sleuth it's way down the horizon. It really was beautiful; the warm light illuminating the streets, train yards and the winding hills. The sight begged her to stay there. But she could sense a different side of the spectacle she was witnessing. Something about the sun, how it just slides away into darkness. To Mae ... it was sad. It caused her mind to wander deeper into the growing crevice. 

Bea...

Of all the obstacles she'd mutilated to get where she is now, Bea just had to be the last stand. She couldn't fully convince her mind when she tells herself that Bea had given up on her. She made the conscious effort of going to her house and be with her. Nothing more. She didn't ask much of her. She was just there for her. Everything Bea has done since that autumn night had been for her. Although, that didn't disprove the fact that Bea would genuinely be better off without that kind of weight on her shoulder. Just imagining the teal crocodile in the future, having forgotten about Mae, happy and living the way she deserved, it actually made the dark cat produce a feeble smile. The thought of herself buried underground, left to rot and finally at peace, knowing that Bea could live the life Mae knew she always dreamed of gave her a taste of happiness she did not need.

Her paw lightly traced the fresh scars on her arm, wincing as she did. She rose her head from the tainted view of odd lines in her arm to stare out into the distance. The beauty was all gone. Replaced with the dull eye-numbing shapes stinging her eyes. She took in a shaking breath, digging her paws into her arm. Holding down her aching grunts.

A single tear squeezed out of her eye, trickling down her cheek. 

She pulled out her phone and began typing:

_Maeday_ _**\- hey bea. i dont really know what im saying. talking and stuff never really was my strong side. just wanted to say that i dont want you to think it was your fault. i think most people havent realised what they've done, but thats okay. i think both you and i knew i wasnt good enough for you. so just forget about me, okay? please try to learn to live without me like everyone else. i can go happy knowing you did.- 17:43**_

_Maeday - _ ** _im sorry - 17:47_ **

She broke into a quick but suppressed sob, burying her head in her paws as her chest convulsed in a reaction to her sudden outburst. 

"Ugh, shit..." She sniffed her nose, clawing onto her eyes and rubbing her phone on her wet tears streaming out. A sense of confliction ran through her. She'd never been certain of anything, so was she certain of what she wanted to do? Rubbing her eyes vigorously, she looked out again, hoping - just hoping- that when she removed her paws from her face, there would be something worth looking at. She wanted to see some form of serenity in the world.

Nothing but shapes; just blurred this time. And a lot darker. How much more naive could she get? Of course it was just those fucking shapes.   
  
Wiping away that one stray tear, the dark cat scurried back into the attic she called her room. Mae shut the window and allowed her thoughts the chance to steer in a more sensible direction. She leaned her forehead forward, resting, sighing and just letting herself go to just bawl onto the glass window. Surely she can think of something do to. It doesn’t have to end just yet, right? But if she didn’t what would she do? Go downstairs? To her parents? What, to get shouted at? Reminded of how she had failed the entire family? She’d rather die. What else? Go back into town? Go to her friends? Fucking hell, what friends? A kid and a few old people she met months ago who can’t help her anyway? Jesus, her ‘best friends just up and left her when she needed him. What next? Go to Bea? Five minute walk down to the pickaxe and drag her into Mae’s problems? No. Mae should handle this on her own.

Why prolong her suffering anyways? One quick swipe along her skin and boom.

Free. 

Seemed a helluva lot nicer than all that other crap she suggested. 

She lifted herself away from the window and set her ruined eyes onto the wooden door across her bed.

Final judgement.

Ultimately, after years of barely holding on by the skin of her teeth, it would just be easier to just give up; let go and fall. The dark cat began to drift passively past her room, her tears dripping and leaving behind a visible trail of little dots plastered all over the floor. As she entered the bathroom she steadily placed herself on the cool stone floor. She breathed in sharply. Looking up before releasing it in a pitiful sob. Mae felt around the floor for something. She grabbed it within her grasp, suspending it over her wrists above a few other distinct lines. The most aggrieved and pure sadness radiated from her. An powerful aura of pure agony now laid plainly across her face. Sobbing. Tears. Bawling. All these things she’d become too familiar with over time. Absolutely everything, in this singular moment, was just exerting from her. For such a tiny piece of glass, the weight that bore in her paws was unbearable as it unsteadily floated above her arm.

She bore through the sheer and searing heat when she finally pierced herself, clenching her teeth through the pain and using a sudden fit of anger to press it harder. She didn’t care. All her turmoil had transformed into a concentrated form and of rage. Hearing her skin tear for a long enough time she let her paw go limp, letting the shard fall with a small clatter. The gush of blood was considerably more prominent than last time. Her mind collapsed almost instantly, feeling as if it was swaying round and round. She couldn't find the concentration to feel around for the glass again. She felt like adding another wasn't needed. She heard that it would be like falling asleep. Drifting off. Peaceful. The feeling of drowsiness rising down the eyes, covering it in a calming shade of nothingness. The bitter feeling of the cold floor was also dissipating into nothingness. The lids that usually cover her vision were beginning to find themselves sliding over those horrid eyes of hers on their own. The thoughts coiling round each section of her brain were starting to disappear. She didn't even manage to notice her vision completely blank out. Although still awake, she let herself succumb to the heaviness she was experiencing, cutting out the distinct, yet muffled, ruffling she heard downstairs.

***

"Bea! Whattaya doing in there? Customers are waiting!"

The sudden call of her father and knock on the office door sent shivers up the crocodile's back. She reeled her head up from her arms with a sudden gasp, quickly noticing her red eyes in the black mirror on the computer. 

"Shit," She cursed herself, scraping at her eyes and trying to clear her nose, trying to regain her usual nonchalant behaviour.

"Yeah! I'll be out," Her voice cracked. She didn't even realise how long she'd been there. Expressing the most purest of emotions was something she tried to restrict; especially after school. The crocodile just thought it was unnecessary for others to know how she was feeling. Even her dad had been partially locked away. Still, it was amazing to think that all it took for her to completely and willingly let herself back into the world was a single person...

And the moment she did, that person crumbled beneath her.

The worst thing; she fully knew that she could've prevented that. Surely it wouldn't have been difficult to keep the first person she loved happy. God, it was ridiculous. All those months ago, Bea never would've thought she would reduce herself back to that pathetic and scared girl the crocodile was in high school. Bea couldn't help herself but feel this little dense ball of guilt travel up and down her body. Like this was all her fault. It sure as hell wasn't Mae's fault. She had failed her. Broken her promise. 

But it wasn't too late to fix things. Besides, Gregg said so himself last autumn, Mae isn't the type surrender her life away just like 'that'. So that was probably the worst case scenario in Bea's mind sorted. Everyday and after work, she would be there. Tell the dark cat that she loves her, that it'll be okay. She didn't need to understand why she feels the way Mae does, just understand that she does and make it better. Hell, this is what she should've been doing in the first place. But still, Bea was sure she was already doing that. God, when did it start falling apart?

"Bea!" Her father's yell echoed through the small office again. The forcible rip from her uncertain thoughts brewed a sort of frustration in her.

"I heard you!" The teal crocodile bolted for the bathroom, quickly running the water in her claws and washing away the visible sadness from her face. After drying it with the adjacent towel, she tossed it aside and exposed herself back into the glorious realm of work, walking through the door back out amongst the counter and a small line of two people. She wiped her eyes again after noticing nobody was looking at her yet.

"C'mon Bea, what's gotten into you lately?" Bea casually passed her concerned father and began expertly handling the cash register, without totally ignoring her dad though.

"Nothing."

As the older crocodile was about the door, he gave a moment to glance back, attempting to see the paper over her cracks. Bea, however, held her resolve and maintained that stern look that consumed her life when she began working here as she handed the change over the counter. He spend a second too long standing there as Bea clocked his presence in the corner of her vision. "I said I'm fine, Dad." The next customer began making his transaction with Bea starting with the exchange of green notes across opposite directions and the swift packaging of the various tools and equipment. A few obligatory 'thank yous' and 'come agains' were thrown about before she turned back to her father with a sigh.

"Two? You hampered me for two people?" Her regret was instant. How she didn't have better control of herself was beyond her.

"Well, usually you're always spot on when it comes to changing shifts. That's what the others say." Bea's dad came up beside her, leaning on the counter to support his weaker frame. A more surprising approach than usual. Bea took a breath in and exhaled as her father continued to talk, "It's about that girl again, isn't it"

The teal crocodile held her claws together, fiddling with numerous digits, "Yeah..."

"I know talking ain't really your thing, Beatrice, but I'm worried 'bout you. You haven't been your ol' self the whole day."

“I haven’t been myself for years.”

Bea continued to stare down her claws, forcing her quivering mouth to stay silent for just a bit longer. Although, she was unsure as to where her reluctance was coming from and her father wasn't gonna just live this down. Both were as stubborn as each other. But as her mouth opened, the cramming of her thoughts prevented any clear structured sentence from coming out. Nevertheless, she was committed to opening up. No point in hiding it. She cleared her throat, "I ... I just don't know what happened."

Bea's father watched on with sympathy, "One day, everything was totally fine. Nothing out of order. The next day, it all goes to shit! I don't get it. Did I not do good enough? I did everything I could to make sure she knew someone out there cared for her... Guess I wasn't enough." Her eyes began welling up as she tried to fight them back, only making her want to cry more as she continued talking. It was funny how that worked. "But I don't want to just call it a day with her; I want to keep supporting her, but I don't know what to do anymore ... Why always me? God, I wish I could just go back and see her happy." A small sob rushed out her mouth before it was promptly suppressed, "Just one smile where I don't have to ask myself: Is she faking it?" Bea was more or less talking to herself now as she pulled up her phone to display her wallpaper: It was a photo she found after scrounging round a few old boxes. It was herself and Mae when they were in scouts. Both of them so happy. So genuinely and truly happy.

The teal crocodile couldn't bare to look at it anymore, slamming it screen down onto the wood. She held one claw across the bridge of her nose to hide the tears generating rapidly in her eyes. Her breathing sharp and shallow. It was obvious how hard she was trying to stop. She felt something rub her back before lifting her up to face the older man. "Why don't ya go back inside; take five? I'll close up early today." He gestured to the door she came through mere minutes ago.

"No, no. Don't, I can manage." She sniffed, wiping her eyes with the sleeves of her dress.

"It's alright Beatrice, an hour less of sales ain't gonna do much. What's important is that we get you home. We can talk a bit more if ya want."

"Okay..." Leaving her phone behind, she trudged back through the door, wavering slightly as she did. Simultaneously another person waltzed right through the entrance, who was caught in Mr. Santello's sight instantly after the bell rung. 

"Bill?" Mr. Santello questioned the unexpected visitor of one of his own workers. Off in the background, the phone still laying on the table buzzed and pinged. It was ignored by both in the store.

"Hey boss. Heh, thought I'd be seeing your girl at the counter." 

"We're closing early today."

"Huh, well good thing I came when I did." 

"Whaddaya need?"

The cat in the green flannel began gesturing and the crocodile began packing over and over. Numerous products being put back and numerous products being put in; the uncertainty of the customer/worker being fuelled by his frail age. All the while the phone pinged and buzzed again.

"Is that important?" The older crocodile placed a few more small boxes on top of the counter, whilst looking to where the older cat was pointing to.

"Ah, that's my daughter's. She's always complaining that those cell service things keep texting her and whatnot, it's probably nothing." Mounting all the boxes together, he began adding up the total of all the individual price tags on each box, losing count every now and then. "N'alright, that's a hundred-and-thirty two dollars and seventeen cents right there." Once again, the everlasting cycle of the switching of money was made. The only difference was the fact that the older cat couldn't find his wallet, struggling for about a minute before he located it in his back pocket on the other side he was looking. 

All Mr. Santello was thinking about was if it really was that difficult to just send one of your sons out to do the dirty work. 

The deal was made and those 'thanks' were given. Bit more relaxed since he knew him.

"See ya tomorrow then Boss," He left with a wave, which was returned after the crocodile helped him get the boxes to his car.

A slightly more relaxed, but still struggling, Bea reemerged from the door quickly making her way through the store besides her father ready to leave.

"Y'know, you can invite her over for dinner again."

"Huh? Oh, really? You wouldn't mind?" Bea said as she put on a warm coat.

It was so unnatural to see his daughter so sullen and crestfallen, "I know you know my opinions of her, but seems like dinner would do everyone some good. Now c'mon kiddo." As he opened the door, a glimpse of light shone briefly, "Don't forget that thing."

She pivoted and saw her phone about to be abandoned so carelessly, "Crap, thanks Dad." Journeying across the store and back with her phone she began walking out as her Dad locked the store. Bea, however, had already decided to clear her mind for a while on her phone. As she continued having her eyes glued, her face grew closer and her eyes squinting in a rising confusion.

"Okay, that's her all locked up - What's wrong?" The older crocodile detected the anxious look on her face, gawking at the screen in her claws.

"Um, Dad I think I'll visit Mae first." Bea set off.

"Er, Okay. I'll see you at home then." Her dad called from behind her, getting ignored. Bea had a more pressing matter to handle.

Just a few steps across the street, she stoped on the other side of the road after feeling a sudden attack of dread compress her insides violently. A fear greater than anything she'd ever felt was infusing itself into every single part of her body. She took another look at her phone hoping that what she saw was some freak accident or mistake. But nope. Two messages. Plain as day. And it hit her. "Oh my fucking God, oh my God, oh my fucking God." She panicked on the spot, checking her phone again. Alas, they were still there. There was no way. Something didn't - Something had to be - Something was - Fuck! She checked her phone again. Same result. "Stop checking your damn phone, for God's sake!" She hissed at herself and began walking down Underwood.

Jesus Christ! This was fake right? Joking about this is something she would do, right? No, this was too twisted. But it couldn't be. It just couldn't! She would never! 

A slow breath was taken in. There's no need to lose herself completely. If she was drinking cough syrup again, there was a high chance nothing bad was gonna happen. Send out a silent prayer to God that she was okay. Despite all the attempts of her brain to calm her, something rushing through her was just compelling her to move faster. And so she did. Without giving it another run through her mind. Without hesitation she began running as fast as her legs could allow her, dashing past the many run-downed houses plastered everywhere in this god-forsaken town.

Now passing down Maple Street, and seeing the homes that were similar to Mae's but not Mae's just charged and overloaded her anxiety. Terror and desperation surged her forwards as she blitzed past a few more houses, getting an odd stare or two from others. One house, that house, came into view. She quickly latched onto the fence post and pulled on it to force a sharp turn towards the steps of which she climbed and began knocking on the door perilously. "Candy! Hello!? Stan!? Anyone!?" The wooden door opened.

"Bea, what on earth-" The crocodile leapt pass Candy, and began going up another set of stairs, one step at a time. "Mae!?" No response. She called out again. "Mae!" Goddamnit, why wasn't she answering. Bea's single biggest fear was unfolding and she had no idea if she was prepared to handle it. 

That doesn’t matter though.

Busting into the attic she studied the empty room. To Bea's despair, the bathroom door was open by just a small slit. "No, no, no, no, no, no." She pushed the door open completely. 

And she froze.

"Oh God..."

There she was. Laying on the floor with her head resting on the wall. A pool of blood surrounding her left arm. 

"No! No, no, no, no, no." She ventured further into the white-tiled room. Falling to her knees, she cradled the limp cat in her own arms, brushing some of the fur away from her face and pulling her ears back. "C'mon, Maeday, c'mon. You can hear me, you can hear me, Mae. C'mon Maeday." She held her ears to her loose mouth, continuing to lovingly caress her head. Her breaths were there but short and slowing down. This scenario was familiar. Painfully and utterly familiar. "You're gonna be okay Maeday, just stay with me. Okay? Just stay here - Please!" The expressionless face of the cat, eyes closed and mouth hanging open absolutely destroyed her. Everything in that one moment utterly broke. Eyes swelling and running with tears. Her heart was breaking. Her heart was breaking into so many pieces and there wasn’t a thing she could do this time. And that fact was killing her. It hurt how it was beginning to dawn on her how helpless this was all starting to seem. "God, don't do this to me, Maeday..." She brought the deflated frame of the dark cat against her chest, pressing her muzzle onto her head as she poured and poured her eyes out.

"Bea, just what is going on- Oh my God, Mae, honey!" Candy rushed over to her daughter's side, kneeling down in a frenzied hysteria.

"Candy call the police."

Candy continued to babble on, loosing herself bit by bit as each second passed. Shock devouring her conscious.

"Candy, call the police!" Bea asserted the urgency of her demand more, sacrificing lucidity of her communication as she choked on her words. Candy rushed back down stairs, leaving the two of them in the bathroom, just like all those months ago. 

"B-Bea?" A small croak came from the dark cat as her eyes strained to open at least half-way. Her face still void of any sentiment.

"Mae? Oh my- Jesus Christ, just hold on Maeday, It's gonna be okay. I-I'm making sure it's okay." Bea burried her head into Mae's again, not ever wanting to let go. Thinking that this would somehow keep her safe.

Mae struggled to squeeze out more breaths, " I'm fine Bea ... I'm fine with this ... I love you." Just like that, those red eyes of hers closed again. Bea could barely make out one of her breaths push out and die away in the air. 

Bea pulled her head back, peering down on the cat beneath her, disbelief shattering her soul as she drifted off again. "No, no, no, God please no! I-I'm not ready Maeday, I don't want you to go. God, please, please don't do this to me. Not again."

From her kneeled position, Bea let herself fall back dejectedly onto the wall, resting with Mae's bloody back strewn across her chest, smearing it. Everything she said was separated with the melancholies of her life: Sobs, bawls, tears. She could not believe a single thing happening in front of her. She found it impossible how she was forced to watch the same situation happen to her again. Images of her mother flashed her mind. The never ending beep on the monitor. Hearing that final breath find its way out. An eerie stream of air escape one last time.

She couldn't believe it. 

"N-Not again."

She held her body against her chest as it grew colder, her face nuzzling regretfully into the cat’s.

“Not again...”

***

_Dust blew harshly in the wind. The surroundings became instantly clear. It was that desert. Only something was different. She was cold. Not only that, but she could feel this cold air bite at her. The typical dunes rolled their way on the horizon. But no God-Thing._

_As she always starts these dream sequences, "Hello?"_

_"This is what you wanted." A voice echoed all around her._

_"Am I ... dead?"_

_The wind continued to howl._

_"You wanted it to hurt. You tried to outrun this. You hoped. You wanted to hold on until you were thrown off. You wanted to lose. And you know what? This means you ended up being something after all." Mae turned around. Looking up at where the Cat-God-Thing usually resides, it wasn't there. She moved her sight downwards and saw it on the floor, normal sized and still laying on it's stomach. As it always had. "You knew this wouldn't end until you died. And now it's ending."_

_"..."_

_"Curious isn't it."_

_"... I thought you said I wasn't coming back here?" The dark cat enquired._

_"I'm not ready Mayday."_

_"What?"_

_"I don't want you to go."_

_"The hell do you mean?"_

_"Please don't do this to me."_

_"... Is that her?" _

_Hearing what she was saying gave her a sense of joyful sadness. She can soon understand why this happened. When she finds someone else, lives somewhere else. Somewhere Mae never could've gotten to. She'll understand that she got a better life because of this. Her parents can just live freely. Would the friends she has left even notice? Nothing to live for anyways so why worry. It didn't scare her. _

_"Not again." _

_Those words echoed as the world began dismantling itself. They struck something deep in her. A feeling. A disappearing feeling. _

_The world was collapsing. She was ultimately subdued by the overpowering force pulling her and waving her round in a circle, suspended in nothingness. The force grew again, shooting her back, further and further, whooshing beyond any realm she's ever seen in this dream-world. Faster and faster until everything ceased moving and in that one direct moment. Everything turned to black._


	10. Their Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4th April 2018

The incessant ringing of a mobile device exploded throughout the bedroom. 

"Ugh, what the eff..." An orange fox began to stir in his sleep, groaning at the fact he had to exert this kind of effort so late at night. The rude invasion of pure sound shooting right into his ears didn’t help either. Eyes still closed, he lazily threw his arm across the bed to reach over and blindly feel the table. "Uuuuuuugh." 

The large body besides the fox also began the straining process of waking up, "Gregg, whtr yu dewin?" The drowsiness in his voice causing him to slur slightly.

"Damn phone is ringing." Gregg continued to aimlessly fondle the top of the bedside-table as the phone continued to blurt out its annoying tone, much to the vexation of the bear as he rolled over to see what was taking so long. "Just pick it up, Bug." Angus suggested halfheartedly.

"Can't I let it ring out?" Gregg asked, letting his arm flop down the side of the bed. He turned on his side facing the brown bear, shifting forward and getting himself snuggled under Angus' arms and chest, " Let's go back to sleep Cap'n." Angus finally put the effort into lifting his heavy frame from the bed and managed to sit up, abandoning his comfy fox on the way.

"Gregg."

"Yeah?"

"Go pick it up."

"Okay."

"Before you miss it."

Swinging his legs out the bed and basically having his eyelids spasm to reintroduce the moisture, he grabbed the object emitting the noise, wincing at the bright light contrast with the pitch black room. Swiping his paw, he answered.

"Hello?" 

The voice of someone who had an obvious croak responded through the speakers. A slight pause or even maybe some hesitation could be sensed before a word was spoken.

"Hey Gregg."

The unordinary, yet recognisable, sound of a 'distressed Bea' instantly woke up and engaged the now extremely worried orange fox, "Bea? Geez, what time is it?"

"Oh, is that Bea?" Angus asked from behind the fox hanging off the edge. 

The phone continued to crackle, due to poor quality and the croak in her voice, " Yeah... It's late..."

Managing to push his voice through a yawn, Gregg continued to press questions Bea no doubt probably prepared for. "Are you okay, dude? You don't sound too good."

No response other than the sound of the microphone getting knocked about. Gregg heard her breath in deeply, "...A lot of stuff's just happened." Gregg leapt out the sheets and landed on the wooden floor, carefully pacing the side to the foot of the bed, coping with his growing concern. Exposing his fur to the cold air meanwhile. "Gregg, where're you going? What's wrong?"

"What kinda stuff?" Gregg passed on another question.

"... Is Angus there?"

"Yeah,"

"Can you put me on speaker?" Gregg dropped the phone down below his chest, pressed a button and held it above his waist.

"Okay, we can hear you." Gregg's mind went wizzing through every possible scenario he could think of. Bea clearly wanted Angus to hear this so this had to concern him; maybe something happened to his family? His brother was serving overseas, maybe something happened to him? But then again, that didn't fully line up with Gregg. She'd have no real reason to cry about that. And it wasn't as if it wasn't obvious. Bea had been crying, he was sure of that. The question was: Why?

There was only one family back home he really cared about. A family all three of them knew. The worry Bea was releasing soon began to mirror of the fox.

"Right so ... God how do I say this?" That last bit was caught under her breath but still picked up in a blow of wind from the phone. "Uhh, so ... Something happened today. Someth-" She gave a brief period of silence, clearly giving some thought to what she was gonna say before she cleared her throat, "Something's happened to Mae ... You guys need to come home."

Gregg's entire body tensed, "What? W-What do you mean? What happened?"

Angus could only look on from the bed, watching the grim conversation unfold before him. Leaning forward with growing intrigue. 

"..."

"Bea, what happened? You gotta tell me, okay Bea? What happened?"

"..."

Another drawn out pause was shared between them, the right things to say seemingly incapable of forming from Bea. 

"She ... She tried ..." Gregg was practically bouncing on the spot, anticipation and anxiety assaulting him in every way.

"I-I-I can't say it."

Although Gregg was desperate for any kind of information he would grab onto, he knew that whatever the hell had happened, Bea had been hit hard. He respected that. He remained silent and still.

A very clear sounding sniffle came from the phone, “Yeah, so, uh ... Please come home guys, okay?”

”Like, right now, yeah?”

”Yes.”

”Okay Bea. I’ll get Angus and we’ll get going.”

“Thanks.”

And just like that, she hung up, leaving the repeating beeps echoing in the room.

”Oh man, what the eff!?” The fox threw the phone onto the bed, paws on his head and practically pulling his fur from his ears as he moved towards a set of small wardrobes.

”Stay calm, Gregg. We’ll drive over and check things out.” The large bear said in a useless bid to calm the fox down.

”Stay calm? Stay calm!? Do you really think I can stay calm right now!?” The reality of the situation and all the grim circumstance surrounding it was beginning to dawn on him. 

“I got a call from home saying something has happened to Mae; something that made Bea - Bea cry!” He emphasised that fact, using it as a sort of baseline. “And you think I’m gonna be calm?! Things with Mae aren’t ever just nothing to worry about, Angus! You remember how we left her! Shit we shouldn't have left.”

The brown bear's face dropped slightly, understanding that Gregg was most likely right. Considering how much he knew of Mae and the short space of time he really got to know her, everything Gregg said was true. But he needed to retain some optimism. God knows the orange fox needed it. "Okay well, get ready and wait in the car. Don't wait for me; car keys are beside the door."

Gregg pulled clothes on at the speed of light, ready only minutes after the phone was put down. The moment he shoved his last foot into the boot he was up and racing for the door, swiping at the keys and launching himself out the apartment door, hollering out a message to Angus, that he couldn't really make out, as his steps pattered the carpeted corridor.

Angus shuffled through his side of the cramped wardrobe, silently cursing himself for only wearing dress shirts all the time. He needed something quick to put on. Sweeping through the racks and hangars he found himself on Gregg's side with an oversized shirt dangling in the back. As he ripped it from inside and placed it on, he heard a ping come from his computer. Walking over he checked it and saw that Bea was messaging him.

_\- Bea. S - **You there Angus?**_

Angus placed himself on the couch and promptly began replying.

_\- Angus - **Still here. We're just about to leave.**_

_\- Bea. S - **Can you talk real quick?**_

_\- Bea. S - **Before you go?**_

_\- Angus - _ ** _Of course._ **

_\- Bea. S - **I guess it's easier to type instead of speaking?**_

_\- Angus -** About Mae?**_

_\- Bea. S - _ _ **Yeah.** _

_\- Bea. S -** ...**_

_\- Bea. S - **So, um. **_

_\- Bea. S -** ...**_

_\- Bea. S -** Mae's in the hospital right now and I don't know her condition. The one outside of town; down the highway.**_

_\- Angus - **Geez, I hope she's okay. Do you know what happened to her?**_

_\- Bea. S - **Yes ...**_

There was an everlasting period of silence between them.

_\- Angus - **Do you not want to say?**_

_\- Bea. S - **No, I do. It's just ...**_

_\- Bea. S -**** God, I really don't know if I can ...****_

_\- Angus - **That's okay Bea. I'll get going. We'll see you soon.**_

After not recieving another message for a good while, Angus considered it safe that he could leave. He shut the computer, whirled around and powered his way do the door, slamming it down and pacing his way down the corridor.

***

The moment her eyes left the idle screen, the bright reflections of the white washed walls of the ward invaded her iris'. It made the droplets formed in them more palpable. She took the time to take in a shaken breath and let it out in a staggered pattern; trying to numb the feeling of her tears drying underneath her eyes. Shoving it into the bag on the chair next to her, she noticed something in there. She kinda forgot she brought it. That, or she was probably reluctant. Time passed; the shuffling of various hospital things, telephones ringing and muttered chatter filled the background as she continued to stare at Mae's journal. Bea had barely seen her use it after that night. She guessed it was a good thing. How stupid of her.

When she found it abandoned and forgotten on the floor by her futon, it was worn and breaking apart. That doesn't happen without some use. She feared what kind of things Mae wrote in there without her knowing. Scared that she might find out how much Mae was suffering without her knowing. How much Mae hid. How useless Bea was at detecting anything wrong.

She reached in and gingerly pulled it from the confinements of the bag, carefully setting it on her lap. She held the cover of the journal between the tips of her claws but dared not open it. A small pit of guilt in her stomach was brewing softly. She couldn't find it within herself to just pull it open. She looked up for a moment in an attempt to escape her reality, only to see people gazing at her. They had pity on their faces and radiating sympathy that only made the guilt burn a bit more. She grabbed the journal and held it a bit closer to her face, exposing the contents inside, making sure only she saw it. As she flicked the pages inside she stumbled upon the most recent one she was aware of: When Mae fell into the lake. A faint smile decided to show up on her face on remembering the laughs shared on that day. A smile that quickly dissolved away. 

She turned the page: Roughly illustrated was herself and Mae wrapped around a heart and a little caption: _"Thanks Bea"_

Not a moment later, Bea's heart twisted at the bittersweet irony. Her face scrunched up. Profound sadness and remorse forcing herself to buckle into herself, bringing one elbow to rest on the book and support her head with her claw. Loosing whatever minuscule amount of composure she had left she brought the journal back up into her view, quickly turning her attention to the page opposite. A more comical drawing of Bea busting through a door screaming "SUP MAEEE!" Below was the band playing music surrounded by pizza. Bea instantly recognised it as New Years. What continued to mutilate her soul was the sentence written below: "Hope next year will be better. It has to be."

She let the journal fall in one hand and she peered out into nothingness with her expression morphing between blank and heartache. Pure disbelief of these bitter words were injecting her with a pang of dull pain.

Bringing herself up she turned the next few pages of the random shit they did over the days: Few sketches of the woods, the rail yard, the 'Pickaxe. One page however broke this trend, being composed purely of paragraphs. This change struck a worried nerve in Bea.

_"I always knew Mom was disappointed in me. I should've known there's no way to make it up to her anyway. The second I step out of line then BOOM 'screw you Mae'. It's not my fault. I didn't want to lose my job. You told me to go find one and I did. Shouldn't you be happy I'm trying to change? That I finally made the effort? Besides there was no way I could've continued. Don't you understand? I can't just leave everything behind. Can't you understand?"_

Confusion struck Bea like a truck. It didn't seem like Candy to just suddenly turn on Mae. 

It continued into the next page:

_"It wasn't meant to be like this. I still feel broken. Like I still have nothing to fight for. I'm trying to change things but I don't know if I have. Or if I can. I'm still the same. It's been so long. I don't know if I want to do this anymore."_

Bea just stared at the journal. Only being filled with the realisation of how much she had let Mae stray so far.

She skipped through the next pages: Another sketch, this time of Gregg and Angus driving in a car and Bea's name written aswell.

_"I never deserved them."_

_"I'm sorry Bea. I should've taken that chance to leave this all behind. You should never have let me back into your life."_

She couldn't stand to see anymore. The potential words of a dead girl was too much for her to comprehend or handle. She slammed the book shut, allowing herself the complete breakdown she needed and wanted for years, shutting out the rest of the world from the existence she was currently living. Bea knew Mae was good at hiding things but how she never clocked that things would go this wrong is beyond her. She just wanted to tell her one more time that it would be okay, that she loved her. And she wanted Mae to believe her. Trust her that they could get past this. That there were things to look forward to. That whatever God was planning for them wasn't what they were going to follow. That everything she had written was wrong. She wanted her in her arms, knowing she was protected. She just wanted to see her happy. 

She wanted her to let her know that she would never fail her again. Something she might never get the chance to tell her.


	11. Last Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5th April 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rough and Susceptible to changes.
> 
> But here we go. Home stretch! 
> 
> -EcR-

_Fists clenched around the heavy weight in her paws dragging her arms down, skin stretching and, no doubt, pale with pain. It was familiar. The weight felt uncomfortably familiar. Lifting this weight up to her face, she discovered it to be the one tool she couldn't break free from._

_Her vision rises to pan across the landscape, building it as she went. People formed in the dugouts, players massed onto the pitch and the lacklustre stands rallied in their own numbers._

_Everything here she could just about recognise. There was a steady uneasiness flowing through her as she passed her way across the desolate fields. She stared slowly across the sky, the brilliant shine bearing no effect on her eyes; no pain or even a wince. Glancing back down she continued to observe around her. It felt like she was the only thing here._

_It took a while, but she knew where she was. She must've fallen asleep again. She couldn’t quite remember where though. _

_A small tingle on her paw pulled her from her current thoughts. She peered down noticing the tiny hairs sway slightly in a cool breeze. She froze for a moment. With her arm now lazily extended out she held still and concentrated on the current happenings. She could feel the air blow. She could hear the wind rush past. It was a nervous serenity. _

_She knew what this place meant to her. What had happened here. Yet, out of all the memories of this damned place, she felt ... at least indifferent to her surroundings. Like nothing bad nor good had happened here. Just another place in the town that she just happened to know. She brought the bat up to her face. It was exactly as she left it. Cracked and bloodied. She felt those nerves firing again. The control of her paws._

_She tossed it into the enveloping grass._

_Leaving it in her tracks as she continued to move and look around, trying to get a better understanding of this place. She didn’t want to remember what she did to him anyways._

_Just a slither of the memory made her shudder. She could only imagine how horrible it must’ve been for him._

_She forced herself away from the red stained weapon._

_One of the things she always wanted to do was explore this kind of thing; being aware whilst asleep. Like when she'd almost died that one time getting electrocuted, she swore she could see some kind of garden beyond that white light behind Sharkle._

_Heh, maybe she had died. It all just seemed to be one big haze as she tried to recall. Eh, would she care if she did? Maybe if she sat down and waited long enough, everything would just end. She was willing to try. It wasn't as if she was looking forward to anything when waking up again. Besides, it was kinda nice here._

_Maybe in whatever afterlife God thought was the righteous judgement, she could visit her grandad, Bea’s mom ... Casey. Maybe find the happy and joyous life she had stripped Andy of-_

_Her head dropped as her poorly thought out sarcastic comment horribly backfired.  
_

_Placing herself down on the ground, a pulse was sent powering within her. A rhythmic beeping pumping outwards from her chest. She made nothing of it. Probably saw it as a sign that she was gonna get up soon._

_She wondered if she was dead and did manage to see all of them again, what would they say? Would they welcome her with open arms? Ask what happened? Resent her for abandoning those she left behind?  
_

_Just seems like no matter what she did, there was always, **always**, someone she’d disappoint or fail. And she hated it. She felt useless all the time. Nothing she did ever satisfied anyone.   
_

_God’s sake._

_The same train of thought was circling round again. She was tired of thinking the same things. _

_If she were to ever die, she prayed that it would be nothing. Nothing for her to worry about. Nothing for her to care. Sure it was selfish, but why let that bother her? As if she’d been nothin but a selfish prick her whole life.  
_

_..._

_Although Mae was purely baffled with how real this all felt and how aware she was. She just wondered how long this was all gonna take._

***

The seamless transition from the fabricated world of the mind and the darkness of the wrong side of the eyelid was forgotten in an instant. Just some sort of annoying yet mellow beeps vibrating around Mae's ear drums, slowly coaxing her to struggle against the weight of her eyes to reveal her blurred vision. Trying to clear them bit by bit through excessive blinking, the circumstances of where she was surged back into her brain for forced processing, torturing herself with images of red stains everywhere.

More time passed and more orientation she was unwillingly regaining. The reality being that she was in a hospital being treated back to health. Something that sure as hell wasn't Mae's intention. 

Ripping her eyes fully open, she whipped her left arm from under these crusty blue sheets, instantly noticing the line of notches sewn into those red cuts she’d created. She could only stare in disbelief.

"No..."

It all cascaded back to her.

She ... failed? She let her gaze linger a little longer. 

How did she manage to screw up that? 

Of all the things that could’ve happened, of all the _simplest _of odds she had to beat, why in God’s name was she breathing?   
  
...

What was she supposed to do now? 

The rising fear fueled a burning anxiety deep inside her. The utter confusion; it was like she was dead but still alive. Like how purgatory was described to her. Sad. And she wanted to cry. But nothing happened. She was just left there to wonder why. After what was ages and ages of nothing but hell, she was finally certain with what she wanted. And she couldn’t even give that to herself. No matter what it is, she was destined to submit to whatever the hell fate wanted. She hated it. She hated it so much. Death just wasn't a mercy she'll be granted. Is it?

She just wanted nothing more to just cry and beg God to make it stop. The urge to smash something filled her up. The craving to just unleash herself was overflowing. Through gritted teeth she exerted a few pained grunts, ripping on the fur on her head. Every hair that was nearly torn giving her punishment for having dared to survive. She edged herself closer to the brink of tears. This is what she deserved. 

She also knew who was most likely in this place with her. Who no doubt brought her here in the first place.

Latching onto her ears, she yanked them down, tugging with more power. Her eyes slammed shut, squeezing out a single drop from her eye as she slowly tried to break herself.

***

”Gregg! That was a red!” Angus’ body was forced back into his seat as Gregg blitzed past the traffic light.

”C’mon Angus, there’s nobody on the road. Who the hell’s gonna care anyways? Fascists?” The fox waved an annoyed paw as he spat out his rushed reasoning. Angus gave him a quick regretful glance. It was clear he wasn’t thinking straight. Why the hell he let him drive in the first place was beyond him.  
  
“Listen Bug, I know you’re worried. I am too. But you have to trust me, okay?”

Gregg gripped the wheel tighter, keeping his cold eyes firmly on the road winding it’s way towards the dull and flat looking building.

Pulling into a hastily chosen spot, the car jerked as it was abruptly stopped with a firm plant of the foot and a sharp tug on the handbrake. Angus could see a flash of anger on his face revert back into worry and concern. Angus knew he was conflicted. It wasn’t uncommon for him in times of distress. ‘Ups and downs’ as he called them. He provided his fox with the warm touch of his paw onto his own. But to no avail.

The orange fox swiped his paw back, ruffling his head to release whatever stress he’d been harboring, “What happens if things aren’t okay? Have you at least considered that? What if things don’t turn out the way you say they will? I...”

He let go of his tension and laid back into the seat. “I just don’t think I’m ready for it, dude.”

Angus also peered down in uncertainty, “Yeah.”

”Bea really isn’t going to tell us what happened?”

”No Gregg, it’s not like that. She want’s to, but...”

”But what?”

”She can’t.”

Gregg let a dragged out sigh, reluctantly accepting the fact that nobody can tell him what happened. That he has to enter this completely blind and head on.

"You ready?"

Gregg shuffled himself out the car door, “Nope.” Angus followed suit, power walking to get beside him, nearing the sliding doors.

***

The teal crocodile wasn’t aware how long she’d been staring at the same page for. Asking herself why this had to happen. Asking why Mae wouldn’t talk to her. Seeing her parents completely break down when any parent’s worst fears suddenly burst into reality. You just knew they’d always loved and cared for her. Why couldn’t Mae see this? She didn’t even know where they went, how they must be handling everything.

Lost deep in the festering pit of her thoughts, she didn’t notice when the seats either side of her were silently occupied. A brown paw made it’s way in-front of the book. She looked up from the paw.

”Hey,”

And just like that, the bear found himself being wrapped around by the teal crocodile into a tight embrace. A comfort where Bea was allowed to let every single emotion she’d been bottling up trying to save face. Her chest, to Gregg, was visibly shaking from the obvious sobs she was choking out as a small stream trickled down Angus’ shirt.

”Sorry,” She muttered, trying to wipe it away.

”It’s okay.”

A worried and unsure glance over Bea’s shoulder was shared between the two lovers with the confirmation of a very bad situation right in front of them.

Bea turned to Gregg, who instantly noticed her red eyes before receiving a hug of his own. It was less intimate but cathartic nonetheless. She released the fox and laid back into the seat, wiping away the drying cold stains of tears from her face. She took a deep breath in and slowly released it, only elongating the pause she created to find the right words and express them without loosing her grip on herself. Even with the gears ticking away in her brain, it was still difficult to let the words come out.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

”Dunno what I’d do with myself if I wasn’t.” Gregg lightheartedly chirped in. Bea could appreciate his efforts and knew he was also serious, but ultimately, her tiny smile wavered.

She sighed, “No point avoiding it,” she told herself gaining all her strength to keep it together. “After you guys left, Mae started acting really distant. I thought it be best to leave it. Figured she just needed some space.” She face palmed, pinching her the bridge of her snout before letting it slide down onto her lap.

Gregg and Angus couldn’t help but notice the distinct croak in her voice.

“She...” Not wanting to beat around the bush any longer, she pushed past the pressure mounting in her throat and spat it out, “ ... She tried to kill herself.” If she was crying again, she wouldn’t know anymore. She kept her view planted on the floor refusing to meet the looks of either guy next to her.

Angus, having trained himself to be more reserved throughout his life, silently processed this, sharing a similar tactic as Bea, with the occasional swipe of his paw across his face.

Gregg, however, already saw the blur of water in his vision. His mouth slightly hung open. Visible panic and erratic shudders were already rummaging the fox. He was silently deteriorating. Every worry he had tucked away in the furthest reaches of his subconscious were true. This was all his fault. He knew that Mae was gonna hurt after he left. What was he thinking!? Leaving her like that? Was he brain dead? He submerged his head under his shirt, briefly hiding from the guilt attacking him from every corner around him as he let his shirt down, bitting on his paw to muffle his sobs, being mindful of where he was.

But seeing Gregg carelessly express his own repentance encouraged another emotional compromise for Bea. It also caused Angus to switch seats to accompany the fox’s fragile state.

”Is- Is she alive?” Gregg drearily question to which Bea nodded. Although his crestfallen expression showed no signs of changing, you could sense the relief flowing through him.

”Who else knows? Are her parents here?” Angus threw a hot line of questions.

”I told my dad and they took Stan and Candy somewhere else.”

”They as in...?”

”Police, Gregg.” He nodded haphazardly, hiding himself further into Angus’ arm.

The teal crocodile stood up, “I’m, uh, just gonna ask where she is.” Already locked onto the reception she left them, semi-stumbling across the seating until she met the sympathetic expression of the receptionist. “Hi. I’d like to know which room Mae- Margaret Borowski is.” The lanky avian gave a sorry smiled, hummed and typed on the computer,

“Room 208.” 

“Thanks,”

She turned around and looked for Gregg and Angus. Observing the room she found the fox leaning into Angus with his knees up to his chest as he just bawled and bawled into the brown bear’s side, latching onto him as if his life depended on it. He looked like he was burning in agony; for every tear that leaked out, he just latched onto Angus tighter. His raucous yet subdued voice barely echoed as far as she was. He was torn apart. They were all as shattered as each other. But she’d never seen Gregg like this. This was the second time she’s had to experience the polar opposite of a person she thought was usually upbeat all the time. Yet there he was. Desperate to find solace in the person he loved... 

She turned back around, “Which way is the room?”

***  
  
‘Room 208’

The sign on the door was slightly illuminated, barely blending into the piercing white light of the corridor. As she walked closer and closer, she could start to feel this rush keeping a firm hold on her. Like she wasn’t able to move yet she felt like she was moving at the speed of light. Spotting an exit outside, she burst through the door, quickly moving through the cold air and lean over the rail. She soon found her breathing heavily labored. Her claws were shaking. Not even placing them against the railing would stop their spasms. Reaching into her back pocket she pulled out a worn out box, of which she lifted the lid whilst bringing it to her mouth simultaneously. Like it was second nature. But when she tried to grab what should’ve been there and nothing came between her teeth, she saw that it was empty. Only left with the faint residue staining the box. It wasn’t enough. Her blood boiled at the disappointment of the outcome. Her wavering claws crushed the box as she threw it away with a frustrated roar. 

God she really needed a smoke.

She brought her arms to rest against her face, contracting and hiding her face; trying extremely hard to calm down in anyway. It wasn’t working. She was still angry. Still heartbroken. Still wondering. And she just wanted a smoke right now. Wasn’t too fucking much to ask.   
  
No. No, she was getting sidetracked. No more waiting. She made a promise to Mae anyways and she was wasting time. She needed to see her. More than anything. She pivoted and waltzed back into the building, returning to the same corridor and the same door.

She was glad she decided to go alone. She didn’t know if she’d been able to cope. It was tough to deny Gregg’s pleading eyes. But it was better for Mae this way, ease her back into things slowly.

Bea managed to catch a glimpse of a nurse walk past her. Although the cogs in her head were rusty and rotating slowly, she was quick to grasp the opportunity, “Um, excuse me?”

The crocodile nurse turned around briefly puzzled but soon realized where Bea was, “Oh, yes?”

”Do you know if she’s okay?” Bea gestured to the room with a claw.

The nurse flipped through a clipboard, presumably scanning names, “Are you Beatrice Santello?”

”Yes.”

”Ah, well, she’s okay for now. She woke up not too long ago. But her ... mental condition hasn’t seemed to improve. And -“ he paused, looking back at the clipboard, “I’m sorry, what relation do you have with her?”

”Partner.”

”Right.” He clicked a pen and wrote down the information with a sorry look on his face, “So, I’ve informed her parents that we will have to admit her to the psychiatric ward before discharging her.”

“Oh...” She was wondering where they went. “Is it okay if I go in?”

“Of course, of course.” 

”Thank you.”

He nodded and walked away, leaving Bea only with her thoughts as company; telling her how to prepare for this. God she was scared. With a claw placed on the knob, she turned it quietly, entering the room as silently as she could, closing the door and hiding herself from Mae’s view behind the small strip separating the bed from the rest of the room. Bea couldn’t say she was surprised to hear whimpers echoing around the room. Fuck. Just ... Fuck! When was she gonna get the Mae she wanted back? It’s been so long since she got a witty or quirky remark out of her. When was she finally gonna say something so stupid that Bea could tease her and laugh it off at the same time. When they didn’t have to live life on a knife edge. She was sick of hearing sobs every time she was with her.

...

But Bea knew what she signed up for when she fell for the dark cat. It was her fault in the end. She didn’t realize until it was too late ... Just like not going to college, the Pickaxe shitting itself or her mo-

Bea let out an elongated sigh. It took her a while to understand this, but that wasn’t her fault. It never will be.

It dawned upon the teal crocodile that the crying had ceased; that her presence was known. Time passed as she froze on the spot, unsure what the best approach was for her.

...

Screw it.

”Mae? Hey, Mae? It’s me.” She revealed herself, moving into the larger space. She found the dark cat on her side facing away from the entrance. Bea made her way to the bed, pulling a chair in for her to sit on, observing all the weird machinery things hooked up to her. Mae, however, was desperate to hold back any noises, but Bea could see her paw tighten it’s grip onto the pillow. Bea was the last person she wanted to see right now.

“You doing okay there, Mae?”

Nothing.

“Do you feel like talking?”

Nothing.

Bea’s mind raced to find something to say. The somber silence was only growing between them. The teal crocodile fell back into a chair, beside the bed, disheartened with the amount of blanks she was pulling. Flicking through the options she arrived at her last resort, something that wasn’t even reserved for a single soul in this world. 

”Do you know why I fell in love with you?”

No response. Aside from the slight shuffling. God, opening up wasn’t something she was ever good at. Keeping things in seemed so much easier. Probably why she let Mae whirl out of control. But ultimately, it was better for the delicate dark cat to know this.

”My whole life I had someone I could always depend on. If things were down, I knew who I could go to. If I needed something as simple as a hug. I knew where I could get one. If I needed to know that someone in this life was gonna always be there for me ... I knew there was one person who’d abandon everything for me.”

Bea let her head fall, smiling at the memories before turning sour. 

“When I found out she was never coming back ...”

Mae’s notched ear twitched.

”I remember the night after her funeral. I was angry. Dad was angry. Nobody felt what happened was fair. I remember when we got back home. I went to play some of her music to ease myself; try to be done with all that crap. Guess it didn’t work as well for dad. He burst in and told me to turn it off. Demanded more like it. I’d never seen him so pissed. As stubborn as we both were, I said no. And I paid the price ... Dad was never an easy drunk to handle. My mom usually took care of him if he was difficult. She was the only one who could. That night ... she wasn’t there for me. God, I can still hear how the glass shattered.”

Bea shifted closer to the dark cat.

“He hit me. I should’ve known better than to provoke him, but none of us were thinking straight. He got me right on my jaw. I remembered feeling betrayed, confused. And angry. All night I was just angry. I took a lot of my mom’s things; her cigarettes and tequila. I took the record player later that night as well. I put on some headphones and I just smoked and drank. Again and again, I didn’t care how much my lungs burned, how much I drank. I just did until I ran out of things to smoke or drink to drink. I needed to forget. Forget everything. Pretty sure I passed out after that.”

Bea had to pause, the rough months that followed weren’t something she was expecting to talk about again.

“I hadn’t been happy for so long. Soon enough I knew I had a choice. Give up. Or make something out of this. And I realized that thinking about it all the time was getting me nowhere and so I moved on. I tried to get on with things but the regrets I had; how much my life steered off course. Obviously that didn’t do much for me either. I was seriously starting to think that I’d leave Possum Springs and leave everything behind or I’d go down with it.”

She reached out for Mae and placed a claw onto her, “Until I met you again.” She got her arm up against her eyes, rubbing the wetness away, “You got me out of the hole I dug myself into. You showed me that there was a still a way for me to gain some joy in this world. Mae, you have no idea how happy you make me.”

”I’m not your mom, Bea.” Mae’s croaking voice finally perked up bouncing off the wall right in front on her, catching Bea out.

“... I know that Mae, that’s not wha-“

“Really?” Her voice shot up, spiking in vexation, “Do you know? Cause let me tell you something: I am not her. I am not someone who makes people happy.”

Bea was stunned. Eyes wide in disbelief with her thoughts brewing behind them, "She was the only one who could make me happy. But you came barreling back into me and you proved that you could too. I have no idea what I’d do with myself if I lost you today."

Mae joylessly laughed, implementing the facade to her bleak bitterness, "Like you said, you can move on."

"That’s not true Mae. I’ve already lost my mom, there was no way I can lose you too and forget about it.” 

Mae finally turned around, gazing her soulless eyes right into Bea, piercing her, “I know how this ends. People leave, they always leave. And I'm left alone with nothing.”

"Maeday. I’d never do that to you." Bea reached her arm out placing her claw on her head. "Please you need to believe me. I love-"

“No!” The dark cat exploded throwing the crocodile’s claw from her head, “Stop it! Stop!” Mae finally let her emotions take full control, bursting into the painfully familiar sensation of tears streaming down her face, "Why are you doing this?! Why are you helping me?! Why couldn’t you have just let me die?!"

”P-Please don’t say that. Please.”

Her spontaneous rage continued to burn, “I don’t want your second chances. I’m done with all of this. Why do you have to make this so hard? Why can’t you just hate me, like everyone else?” She tossed herself back into the bed bringing her paws to cover her face, silencing her sobs meanwhile.

"Because I don’t hate you. I love you. I just do Mae. Can’t that be enough?"

There was a palpable pause. The dark cat's head throbbed. 

"Do you know what you mean to Gregg, Angus, your parents?"

"Their faces when they saw you ... I’ll never forget them. I watched them stand next to you. Cry for you." 

Mae knew she was running out of cards to throw. She didn't know what to do, or what she truly wanted. She had her only chance and she blew it. How typical. Why can’t Bea let her go? Everything would have been so much easier. And she knew Bea was right. But ... "I just don’t want to hurt anyone again. I can’t stand it knowing I’ve hurt people, driven them away, kept them close." She silently let the tears fall and drip off her cheeks.

Mae felt her body being scooped up into Bea, pressing into her. She wanted to push away, yet the calming aura surrounding her prevented her from moving at all. It was an odd feeling. She was scared; basically paralysed yet it was still that feeling of security and hope. That was the worst thing about being optimistic on things. The hope. When it slowly goes away, and it always does, it grinds and erodes Mae's soul away. Bea carefully placed her claw on her ear, stroking her head cautiously, “Shhhhhh. You’re a good person Mae. You don’t know it but you are. We’re gonna get past this, okay?”

That was what Bea said last time. The dark cat was not sure if she was willing to go through with ‘recovery’ again. Trauma, suffering, agony. This was all she could remember from the last few months. If there were any positives, they were plagued by the sheer outnumbering amount of negativity that clouded her head.

“Mae?!” The exuberant sound of a particularly exuberant fox filled the room as he rushed in.

"Gregg?"

“Oh my god! You’re okay !” He barged his way through, meeting Mae in a tight embrace taking her by surprise.

“You- You came back?” Mae questioned as she hesitantly let her arms return the gesture. 

“Duh I came back, dude. Oh, thank god you’re okay.” He was on the verge of a collapse

She sniffled, “Why?”

“What? What do you mean ‘why’? Cause you’re my friend! My best friend!”

Mae was slightly shaking her head, pushing him back a little, “No, but I thought...” She trailed of the last few words as they disappeared. “Thought what?” Gregg insisted.

“I thought that we weren’t?”

“Whaat? Why would you ever think that?”

“You left Possum Springs because of me.”

Pure confusion slammed into the fox like a truck, ”Whaaat? No, we left because Possum Springs’ a shithole. Why would we ever not be friends?”

“Cause I got in the way between you and Angus like an idiot.”

”Whaaaat? No you didn’t. Well, a little. But not enough that I’d just cut you out of the picture, dude. After everything, there's no way on this goddamn planet that'll ever happen” Gregg’s eyes welled up. He knew goddamn well that this was gonna happen. Ugh, he hated how guilt twisted his stomach, “I’m sorry you felt that way, man.”

The dark cat’s mind was trying to force her thoughts to the deepest corner. She desperately wanted to say that he was wrong. That he was lying. But something couldn’t allow it. She just kept her mouth shut.

Another large figure dashed into the room, visibly out of breath, ”I’m sorry Bea. I know you said to wait but Gregg couldn’t so he just left me and I tried to stop him but then I lost him so I turned around but I went the wrong way and-“

He stopped right there as he saw Bea stare daggers right into him, Mae still held firmly against her. He stood up straight, fixing and bowing his fedora that wasn't even on his head, “You good Mae?” The bear came up to her and gave her a warm hug. Every ounce of care she was shown just troubled her more. She wanted to know why they were doing this. She was certain there were people in the hospital more worthy of the love she was receiving. Nevertheless, Mae replied with a nod. It was a nice feeling. Whatever it was, she decided not to oppose to it this time. The cat observed the bear, formulating what she was thinking.  
  
“Hey. I guess you were right Angus.”

”About what?”

”Remember when I told you that if I went through what you did, I’d believe in God more.”

”Yeah?”

”You were right, Angus." Mae's face turned sour and hateful, "Y'know, it's funny. It really is. Like, I _really_ thought that something _absolutely_ _miraculous_ would pull through for me."

She abandoned eye contact with the large bear, staring off. "God doesn’t help.” Whatever warm sensation she was achingly aware of vanished in that moment. It was in times exactly like this where she would turn to get some divine advice. Help her understand why she can never stay happy. It always came in flashes, even in her most darkest thoughts. But never sustained. Guess, she put what tiny amount of faith she had in the wrong person.

Angus shook his head in a solemn agreement, looks of remorse being shared between the room.

***

The psychiatric ward was much better than the small, weird-smelling room Mae was in. She got accustomed to her new surroundings fairly quickly: Bed, bathroom, wardrobe. That was basically it. She hoisted herself onto the bed, letting her legs dangle and her face sullen with a lack of interest. Her jagged ear jerked, overhearing her parents.

“How long will she be here?”

“As long as it takes. We usually keep people under her circumstances here between ten-to-fourteen days. It can be for shorter though.”

”And we can visit?”

”Of course.”

As they continued to talk, Mae noticed Bea come through the door. Mae gave no change in emotion. “Hey.” She gave a quick kiss on her cheek, “Thought you might like to have this.” She handed her worn black journal onto the dark cats lap as she peered at it. She took it in her paws and just as she was about to let the pages fall, she held it still. She slid the book back over towards the teal crocodile, “Keep it.”

Bea looked at her, puzzled, "You sure? Cause I can-"

"I said keep it." Mae repeated. "Probably best if I don’t have it."

"Okay.” She left the journal on the bed.

Bea put an arm around Mae bringing her in closer. "You gonna be alright here?" Once again, Mae did not answer. Bea did not push for one. "Better than Dr. Hank." She thought Mae would appreciate a nice lighthearted joke about everyone's favourite resident 'doctor'.

But Bea could see there was something still stuck on the tip of her tongue. “I can’t shake the feeling that I should be dead. Like, I could’ve died so many times. I really thought this was finally gonna be it.”

Bea thought long and hard on what she was gonna say. Upsetting her in any way was not on the agenda. "You've survived this many times, maybe you're meant to be alive."

The dark cat brought her paws together, idly fidgeting, "God, Bea, look at this place. How much money am I wasting just by being here?"

Bea turned Mae to face her, "Do you think they'd be spending it if they didn't care about you?" 

Nothing. Again. The cat just let go and flopped her head under Bea's neck. Mae was shuddering underneath her, mutely weeping, "I know. I know. I know. I - Why do I do that?"

"Do what?"

"Make myself feel like shit."

Bea secured her, allowing her to let it out. Honestly, Bea didn't know what to say to that. This was far beyond her ability to help. All she cared about was that Mae was here. She did know one thing she could offer, "Do you want me to stay?"

"Mhmm." 

"Okay."

As the teal crocodile encased Mae in a protective casing, Mae was finally free to just breath. Relax and think in the comfort. Absorb the idle sounds flowing around her. It hadn't fully hit her, but she realised this was her last chance. If she was gonna make it count, that's up to her. Was she gonna make it count? 

...

She had to. Simple as. She couldn't re-enforce it enough. This one had to count. If she relapsed in anyway, she knew there was no way back. She was sure of it this time. She refused to experience it again.

"..."

"I love you." She gave a soft peck on her muzzle.

Bea gazed into those red pupils of her's, and beamed down on her with a reassured smile, quickly chuckling to herself at the surprise sentiment.

"Right back at you, Maeday."


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 19th April 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual as usual goes. Will come back to edit later for typos or thing that need changing.

The waves lightly crashed into the unimpressive banks of the lake, washing over all the little pebbles as they were dragged in and out. What was impressive was the bright glimmer dancing on the surface of the water. Mae couldn’t believe the difference between this place from the winter. It was a completely new place. Although she preferred it cold and lifeless, it was impossible to ignore how nature could so easily adapt and morph into something spectacular.

The bench was still as wet as ever though. At least it wasn’t too cold. Mae wasn’t exactly expecting to ever come back here, considering what had ... occured. But she probably would’ve regretted it if she didn’t. It was actually a nice place to unwind. Sit down, let the waves wash her worries away and have the gentle sound of water drown out the voices screaming in her head. If she really wanted to, she could easily fall asleep on this bench. Ironically, the thought of peacefully drifting away, it did make her jitter a bit. The feeling of her mind being silenced by the serenity was a foreign yet all too familiar sensation. 

The air smelled like rain as well. Damp and strong. What was the actual thing called? 

“Petrichor.”

She remembered Angus told her once.

“Pet-ri-chor...” She mumbled to herself, idly separating the syllables and thinking why a smell would be described with such a weird word.

Letting her vision wander aimlessly, she caught her reflection on the water and, for once, it was smiling back at her.

The not so distant memories of the ward came pouring down into her head. They had mirrors every corner you turned, for whatever reason. There were basically reflections of herself everywhere.

Standing in the hall, observing all those people. Many of them all looked just like her. Tired and sad. Sick of everything. The ward wasn’t filled with the most jubilant souls. She often found she’d just staring into a window, looking at herself. It was actually a really good way of helping her understand what she was feeling. Reading what was on her face: down to minute change in emotion. They said that was important for her recovery.

God, that place was nothing but full of shit.

Although, by the way things seemed right now, her appearance made it seem she was happy. It was ... strange. Totally alien. Guess that place was worth it, the more she thought about it.

The worst thing about her time there was the non-stop staring at her arm. Her left arm. The arm with the ‘unnatural lines’ sketched in. Out of everyone in her group, she was the only one with such obvious scars. And nothing to hide them with. Ugh, the nerve they had. So what she had some mad scars? Wasn’t the worst-

...

No, no. It can be the worst thing in the world. No point lying to herself anymore. 

She rolled the sleeves of her staple orange shirt, revealing where the fur on her arm hadn’t grown back yet. Lightly tracing her scars with the tip of her paws. Even though no pain came from touching them, they still hurt. She knew that they didn’t define her and what not, but she winced at the flashes of their meaning anyways. How the red just gushed out all over the floor. A cruel reminder of what could’ve happened to her. The black abyss she could’ve entered. The hole at the center of everything? That’s what it called it. Geez, it’s was ages ago since she even remotely thought about those weirdos. She wondered if everything that had happened to her: the dreams, the instability; if it was somehow connected.

She bet Casey would know. Wherever he was. Guess it was gonna take a bit longer for her to ask him in person. Another time maybe. He would have to continue following the stars without her. That was okay though. Surely both of them knew they weren’t alone anymore.

Her mind still only wanting to picture him, she felt compelled to at least try to talk to him. With everything that's happened, was worth a try. It wouldn't be a surprise if she heard his voice, “So ... Casey.” She scoffed at herself, playfully albeit, more like a laugh, “Look at me, huh. Talking to myself again.” She paused taking some consideration to what she wanted so say. “God, there’s so many things I still wanna talk to you about. If you’re out there somewhere, guess you should know everyone’s awesome. Hasn’t been the smoothest of ships, but we’ve all got there. Gregg made it out with someone. Bea, remember her? The cute one? Well, she’s my someone-someone now. And I ... Still climb shit all the time, so yeah. Awesome.”

“Who are you talking to?” Mae swerved her head back sharply, a flurry of embarrassment surging her face as she saw the crocodile. “No one.” She blurted that out way too quickly.

“I heard you, Mae.” She bluntly stated.

“No you didn’t.” She elongated the pauses between words, making them sound uncertain and very unconvincing.

“You literally called me cute.” 

“Um.” A great attempt at a save, as usual.

Noticing her slight uneasiness, Bea shifted the dark cat over, seating herself beside her and wrapped an arm around Mae’s back, “I’m not mad Maeday. If you don’t wanna say, that’s fine.” 

Grabbing hold of the claw hanging off her shoulder in her own paw, she answered, “I was just talking to myself.”

Trying to hide it, the crocodile briefly gave a worried look, “You good?”

"Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” Bea could believe her. For once it didn’t feel like she was gambling the odds that she was actually okay. She let out a long, long sigh of relief for the wind to carry away.

“Weird question.” Mae followed up.

“Go ahead.”

“Did you mean all that stuff you said? Back in the hospital, about me?”

“Every word.”

“Wow. So you really care that much.”

Bea used her outstretched arm to twist the cat’s head, leaning in to peck her forehead, “Of course I do.”

“I really don’t get how you do it. Bea-Bea.”

”I don’t either. But what else was I gonna do?”

“I guess this kind of thing does follow you.” Mae recalled the events from last fall; their little talk at the Party Barn. She guessed Bea also travelled back in time, “I think I’ve been programmed to care regardless of who needs it.”

”Like a robot, from that game! Deeeeviancy.”

Bea turned to Mae for an explanation, “Huh?” But she was still staring off into her own world. Not that Bea didn't mind, she loved seeing Mae acting like herself. She still wanted to know what the hell she was on about though, "What game?"

She was snapped from her trance, “Oh right, they had this TV-Gameboy-console-thing at the ward. Had a bunch of cool games. We should check them out.”

“Huh.”

"Man, games have come a long way. How come there wasn't a game store at the mall? And before you say-"

"Internet."

"Ugh. Hush, you."

Bea laughed over the waves as they continued to softly plow against the pale shore, filling her head, beckoning the dark cat come closer. It was so calm. Like the total opposite to pretty much everything. She wondered if she’d changed. Properly this time. With the crocodiles claw still in her hold, she stood up guiding her towards the jetty protruding into the lake, “Woah, okay.”

"I wanna get closer." Bea reluctantly let herself be dragged as Mae placed herself on the edge, letting her legs dangle above the water whilst pulling Bea to sit behind her, allowing the cat to rest into her lap.

She instantly felt the consequences of moving too quickly; lightheadedness suppressing her head, “Y'know. I could really use a nap.” Mae lazily declared. Bea folded her arms around Mae’s waist, “You sure as hell aren’t falling asleep here.” Ignoring the warning, she closed her eyes anyways. Not a single thought disrupted the clarity or the standstill moment she was having. Maybe something did change. Falling asleep was as simple as everyone told her it was.

That was until Bea shook her, forcing her eyes open, “Agh, what the hell Bea? I was comfyyy.”

“I told you.”

Looking down at the water, Mae soon realized the source of the crocodiles worry, “Ugh, you’ll hold onto me if I fall.”

“Even though you’re not wrong. I’m not gonna do that. C'mon.” And just as soon as she arrived on the jetty, she was lifted back to her feet. Something her legs didn't appreciate as they almost buckled, almost causing her to slip if it wasn't for the teal crocodile provider her support, "Woah!"

"I got you, I got you." Bringing themselves face to face, Bea noticed how worn and tired the dark cat actually was; the obvious strain on her face and half-lidded eyes. "Geez, you are tired. If you're gonna sleep, you're gonna sleep upstairs."

Mae rubbed her face, "Can I sleep with you?" 

It was as if she was a step ahead of the crocodile, "Sure thing, Maeday," Entwining her claw into her paw, she began leading her gently back up the pathway on the hill, past the vibrant and lush foliage spread evenly around the pathway. The rustling of bushes, trees and leaves bashing together in the timid wind all faded away back into the hard thud of brick, nearing the apartment building. The few stairs and stones that winded around the garden eventually converged to lead towards the entrance. As the entrance got closer and closer, the more she became suspicious of Mae. She seemed fine, but the seeds of doubt were sewn too deeply into her. She wasn't going to be fooled again. "Hey, wait." Bea put a pause on walking and faced the dark cat, giving her a stern yet thoughtful look. 

"What's up?"

"Look, I'm ... not exactly the easiest to talk to sometimes, I know that. But I just need to know. I don't wan't you to hide from me, not tell me things or keep me in the dark anymore." Bea lost herself a bit, not minding where she was facing anymore, "Please tell me, or even show me, anything, that you're definitely okay-"

Her eyes went wide open as she suddenly found herself planted firmly onto Mae's lips. She was pulling down on Bea's neck and on her toes just to reach her. It wasn't long before Bea melted into her deep kiss, nothing else in the world mattering other than this tiny secluded bubble that formed around them. The teal crocodile brought her claw behind Mae's head, pulling her in closer until she broke away, both their eyes still shut. 

"That do it for you, Bea-Bea?"

"I think it just about did." She kissed her again, finally without having to wonder if it meant anything to her, "Thanks." Both of them past the door as it closed behind them, closing another sad chapter of their lives. But despite everything, despite the entire universe never going in their favour, everything sounded like it was okay. Bea turned to Mae, the dark cat doing the same. They could tell from the vibrant look in their eyes that this time, life could continue without the consequences of the past. This time, both of them knew they were together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely am lost for words for what to say to you. Never was I expecting to receive this kind of reception to my work. When I started this, writing, I was mostly doing it for myself. Then people started catching on, taking notice and praising me. I’ve never regarded my ability to write as good, probably still don’t. Yet, seeing it was purely amazing and baffling. But this is about you. Since realising I could write for more than myself, you all have been my first priority. Looking out for whoever was reading my works, making sure I finish what I started for you and seeing the appreciation from it just makes me happy.
> 
> So once again. I thank you, truly. If you enjoyed it or read even a word and decided, “eh, nah.” Nothing can fully express my gratitude. Take care everyone,
> 
> -EcR-
> 
> Also, I’m pretty sure this is gonna be the last NITW fic I do for a while (Unless I have this idea and I just go “ohmygodineestowritethisnooow”)


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